How Can I Have A Sense of Humor When My Husband Has No Sense of Honor?

Posted on Feb 28, 2013 by Katie Carter

How Can I Have A Sense of Humor When My Husband Has No Sense of Honor?

In many of these posts, I have attempted to sprinkle in a little levity here and there. However, in almost all of the cases I work on, one side is usually more hurt and broken than the other – even when one side is acting like nothing is happening or is even happy that it’s happening. This doesn’t mean that your case isn’t serious or even painful. This also doesn’t mean that it is a permanent hurt or an inability to be fixed. Quite the contrary. In most cases, it is the stress and fear of the unknown that compounds this pain. Many military spouses are concerned about being “cut off” from the servicemember’s pay and how they will possibly be able to take care of the kids, bills, house, food…and the list goes on and on.

Well, if you fall into this category, I want you to know a few military secrets about Support of Family members – and how the military spouse can flex her muscles with the Command – particularly when the servicemember isn’t acting honorably.

If you are a Military Spouse, you should know that a call to your Husband’s Command can sometimes remedy your situation – particularly if you do it in the right way. I am certainly not suggesting that you call the Command each and every time you feel aggrieved or scorned by your spouse. I am suggesting, however, that in the most dire circumstances where you have been absolutely cut off by the servicemember, that a call first to the Command Ombudsman or Representative can help. Failing that, a call to the Command’s Senior Enlisted Advisor may also encourage a “conversation” with your servicemember husband that “encourages” him to support his family.

This can be a tricky proposition – because you do not want to appear to be the scorned spouse who complains about everything. However, a measured response to an aggrieved action by your servicemember husband and a calculated call to the Command can be productive. Commands do not want to have to deal with these situations. They want to be focused on the mission – and the mission doesn’t involve making servicemembers pay their bills and give their families’ money for food.

If you are a Navy Spouse, and our area here in Southeastern Virginia is very Navy-heavy, you should know about the MILPERSMAN. This is short for the Military Personnel Manual. Take a look at the following link:

When you are talking to your husband’s Command, you can reference MILPERSMAN Section 1754-030 and remind the Command Representative that your husband should be providing for his family in accordance with this MILPERSMAN section.

While I recommend you reference this Section to the Command and show the Command Representative that you have an understanding of the Navy’s policy with regard to the support of family members, you should also know that most civilian courts will not award as much support as is provided for in this Section. If you are lucky enough to receive the amounts articulated in this Section, you should consult with an attorney and strategize about when the best time might be to file any action in the civilian courts.

If this doesn’t work, you can always petition for support in the civilian courts. Just like a military operation, you should ratchet up your pressure from the lowest means possible first. The Command approach first – then the attorney/civilian court approach next.

Please remember, that in short order, this whole experience will be in your rear-view mirror. The pain and fear you feel now will dull over time. You shouldn’t feel alone. There are many wonderful social workers and counselors on board most military installations – and they are often free to servicemembers AND their dependents. In addition, the right military divorce attorney can advocate for you in this process. One of the biggest hurdles is simply finding the information to get the help and education you require…but please know, it’s out there and you are beginning to educating yourself right now.

There are very specific rules governing divorce in Virginia. At Hofheimer Family Law Firm we are committed to providing you with the experience and compassion you deserve and the successful results you need to move on with your life. Request a FREE copy of our divorce guide for women in Virginia, or reserve your seat at our monthly divorce seminar – 757-425-5200.