I hear all sorts of chatter about whether – or not – it matters if your marriage has lasted ten or more years before you divorce. I’ve talked about it before, in the case of the military ten year myth, but let’s dive in deeper.
Now, before I go any further, I want to say that, no matter how long you’ve been married, it is none of my business whether you wait it out or whether you end things now. In general, I don’t give the advice that you should stay in a bad marriage longer for the sake of benefits you may – or may not – receive. Every individual case is different and it’s a good idea to talk to an attorney one-on-one about your specific situation so you can determine what will make the most sense for you. This is sort of legal advice, in the sense that its grounded in the law in the Commonwealth of Virginia, but it’s not legal advice for YOU.
Whether you stay or whether you go is always a uniquely and intensely personal decision that no one else can make for you. But, whatever you decide, you should be sure that you decide with as much up-to-date, state-specific information as humanly possible. Don’t you think?
After all, if you’re like most married people, you have at least tens of thousands of dollars riding on your decision(s) – if not far, far more. So it’s important that you make smart, financially sound decisions, even if ending your marriage is a whole heck of a lot more than a financial decision. After all, you’ll have to live with the consequences of these decisions for the rest of your life!
Virginia is an equitable distribution – rather than a community property – state, which means that we do not automatically assume a 50/50 split. Though 50/50 is often still the end result (or close to), it is possible that the negative and positive monetary and nonmonetary contributions of each party to the end of the marriage will be taken into account and weighed by the judge. The judge could – but would not have to – order a 60/40 or a 70/30 split, or some other denomination, depending on what she found (based on evidence, witnesses, and testimony) at trial.
Depending on your grounds – adultery, cruelty, apprehension of bodily hurt, desertion, abandonment, and/or felony conviction – it is possible that you could be hoping for something different than a 50/50 split. It’s a good idea to talk to an attorney about this. I do think that the longevity of your marriage would be a factor here; the longer you relied on him, the greater your sense of detriment because of his negative monetary or nonmonetary contribution to the marriage, the greater the sense that you deserve more. Still, you should know that nothing is guaranteed, especially not in court. In some ways, going to court and letting a judge decide your case is a huge gamble, and it’s one you should always discuss at length with a family law attorney whose judgment and expertise you trust.
The fact that yours was a more or less than ten year marriage is unlikely to be relevant; it’s not like this is a specific benchmark that must be met.
Usually, when I hear about “ten years,” it is in the retirement context. For years, I only heard it in connection with the military; basically, if you hadn’t been married for ten or more years, you aren’t entitled to a portion of his pension. I’ve heard it, more recently, in connection with non-military pensions and retirement accounts as well.
Remember, though, that I called this a myth from the very beginning. It is not true. You start earning an interest in the retirement that is saved from the day of your marriage until the day that you separate. The length of your marriage has nothing to do with it except in the sense that, the longer you are married, the greater your interest in the retirement will be. You only have an interest in the marital portion – that is to say, whatever was earned, purchased, or acquired during the marriage and up until separation – but not in the portion that may have been contributed prior to the marriage or contributed after the date of separation.
If your soon-to-be ex is military, though, ten years does matter, though probably not in the way that you are thinking. If you have been married for less than ten years, you would not qualify to receive direct pay of your portion of the retirement benefits from DFAS. Your entitlement does not change, but – once your husband reaches retirement and starts drawing on his pension – he would receive the check or direct deposit from DFAS and would then turn around and pay you your portion. If you had been married for more than ten years, you would be entitled to receive your portion of the military retirement benefits directly, without using your ex as the middleman. Easier, for sure, but probably *not* worth staying married to receive, unless you only have a few months or something to go.
Also for military spouses, the length of your marriage matters in the sense that if you are a 20/20/20 or a 20/20/15 spouse, you can qualify for additional benefits, but this goes well beyond the ten year point (and also the scope of this particular article).
Ten years also matters – and this is the only other reason I can think of that it matters – from the stand point of social security. If you have been married for ten or more years, you can qualify to receive either your social security or half of his, whichever is greater. Now, social security often isn’t something that divorce attorneys talk about a lot because it’s not exactly an asset that you grow during the marriage. It’s a federal entitlement and it’s managed by the federal government. In fact, if you wanted, you could call up the Social Security office and get more information about your – and your husband’s – specific entitlements. Social security is not divided in divorce, but if you haven’t been married for the ten years, it significantly reduces the options available to you. If this is a big deal for you, I definitely recommend that you talk to the Social Security office and bring the information that you glean to your divorce attorney when you have your consultation.
The length of marriage also matters in terms of spousal support – or, at least, it’s one of the factors – but it’s not a specific ten year requirement. In fact, there’s no specific year or term of years that qualifies you to anything specific in terms of spousal support.
For more information, consider scheduling a consultation. If you’re making a big decision – like whether to end your marriage now or hang on for a greater share of some asset or other – it’s a good idea to involve a professional and get up-to-date advice for your state. If you’re going to wait it out as part of your overall strategy, you want to be sure it’s going to be worth it. I hope this helps!