Coparenting is not easy. No one ever said it was. And, to make matters worse, parenting isn’t easy, either, so not only do you have an already difficult job – parenting your child – you also add on top of that the fact that you and your child’s father are not necessarily on the same page, either.
Many families are able to establish some kind of cooperative coparenting relationship – but that’s not really what I’m here to talk about today. Today, I’m going to talk about navigating coparenting relationships where your child’s father is actively working against you – gatekeeping information, not asking your permission, and/or violating your custody agreement or court order.
If your child’s father is taking your child somewhere, does he have to tell you?
I’ve talked at length about complex coparenting issues – including travel – but the issues keep coming up. Generally speaking, if you and your child’s father have joint legal custody, that means that you have to confer about non emergency medical care, religious upbringing, and education. That’s it.
In those situations, you and your child’s father are supposed to confer and reach a decision. If you can’t agree, there’s no tiebreaking vote; you either have to do the thing (and risk him taking you to court), or take it to court preemptively and let the judge act as the tiebreaker. Either way, it’s a pain. We see all sorts of issues about vaccines, school enrollment, and practicing certain religions, but that’s where joint legal custody stops.
Most other issues are considered the responsibility of the parent exercising visitation; that is, the parent who has parenting time is able to call the shots and make decisions about the child during that time. The opposite is also true; when the child’s other parent has her parenting time, she can call the shots.
It may be that the shots that are called in these different scenarios are designed to work against what one parent is trying to achieve. It may be that one parent is deliberately gatekeeping information or doing their level best to thwart the other parent’s participation in activities related to the child.
For the most part, when it comes to travel, the law is silent – so we have two situations that come up. Either your court order or custody agreement specifies what should happen in these situations or, well … it doesn’t. If it does, then you need to follow the terms of that agreement. If it doesn’t, then you essentially have no guidance.
But there are so many issues that can come up, right? If your child’s father is taking your child somewhere and your agreement or court order is silent – says nothing about providing information if he takes the child out of the state or country, nothing about providing contact and itinerary information, nothing about missing school – then there’s not a lot that you have to grab hold of.
Sure, you can file a petition with the court – either for modification, if you have a material change, or as a show cause or something if you feel he’s violated the agreement in some way – to let the judge in on what’s happening and ask him to make a decision. But, in a lot of cases, these things happen at the last minute and you won’t get into court until that thing that you didn’t want to happen has already happened. Not only that, but win or lose, you’re out the fees associated with court, not to mention all the blood pressure points it costs.
What would the court say? Well, it depends. Right? That’s the classic lawyer answer. But without knowing where he’s taking the child and why, it’s hard to say. It’s hard for you to ask the question; it’s even harder for me to answer it.
What if he’s missing school? Well, I think in many cases the court doesn’t like children to miss school; after all, truancy is a real thing in Virginia. But there are also certain categories of things where the judge might feel that missing school – even if it’s a week – is worth it, on balance. Many families decide to take Disney trips during the school year; it’s a legitimate parental decision. (For the record: I’m not suggesting this is good or right, just suggesting that there are standards that differ widely between families and, in cases where the parents are married, there is freedom to do things like this.)
It’s so hard to know. Technically, travel doesn’t fall under those three categories of things that the parents must confer about. Still, I do feel that it’s in poor taste to take the child a long way away or somewhere for a long period of time where the other parent has no idea and no ability to touch base with them. Obviously, if the parenting plan means that some of your parenting time is taken, then you have a legitimate issue, too – but if it’s all dad’s parenting time anyway, it becomes a trickier question. The school thing matters, too, but it’s not necessarily a determining factor.
After all, the court wants parents to have the freedom to parent as they see fit. That’s why we keep the categories so limited when it comes to legal custody. We don’t want to require that parents work together on every issue; parents need to have some freedom to, well, parent.
I know this is about as clear as mud, but a lot will depend on the specific facts – and whether you intend to do anything about it. In general, I feel that the best offense is a good defense, and the best defense is a well-drafted custody agreement that removes the question of issues like these (because the agreement already says what should happen if and when the parties travel). But, hey, not everyone can reach an agreement.
For more information, to request a copy of our custody book for moms, or to register to attend one of our custody seminars, visit our website or give us a call at 757-425-5200.