It’s always the million dollar question, right? When should I talk to the kids about our divorce – and, when I do, what should I say?
There’s a fine line between parenting advice and legal advice and, though I am a mother, I feel like I should be clear from the outset: I am an attorney. I am not a parenting expert. I am just a lawyer who also happens to be a mom and who has sat on the other side of the table from women for fifteen years obsessing over this exact question.
I think, too, my answer to this question has changed over the years, both because I have grown and evolved both as a mom and as a lawyer, and also because I think the traditional conventional wisdom has subtly shifted over time. (And thank goodness for that evolution!)
But let’s talk some more about it.
When should I tell the kids?
Honestly, I think the when is less important than how and what you tell them, but you should tell them when you are past the point of no return, but before they find out from some other means. Don’t let them hear gossip from someone else; don’t let them stew alone and wonder.
Tell them when you feel like the time has come and you are certain that this is it.
How should I tell them?
A lot of the “how” question will be answered based on your family dynamics. Many mothers and fathers choose to have this conversation together. That is not always possible.
You should tell them, whether on your own or in tandem with their father, in a way that makes it clear that they have done nothing wrong, that you are working through the difficulties, and that they should be comfortable coming to you with any questions. You should do it in a private setting, where they won’t have to control their reactions and where they can take the time to process that they need (or leave in a hurry, if they’re the type to process things on their own).
You should probably keep in mind that telling them once won’t take care of it once and for all, and should maintain that it’s part of an ongoing and open dialogue. They should come to you with questions, with comments, with fears and concerns, and, though you are only going through this yourself and can’t be expected to have all the answers (something you can transparently and readily admit), you will work through it with them. You should tell them their feelings aren’t too big or too scary, that you can walk this with them and help them understand as much as possible.
What should I tell them?
The what is important – and we’ve even started to talk about it in the section above. I always get a lot of questions about this, like, “Can I tell them the truth?” and “How do I walk the line between not gaslighting them and not making disparaging comments about their dad?”
These are hard questions and worth working through. One of the ways that the prevailing wisdom seems to have changed in recent years – at least, from a child development perspective – is that parents don’t want to tell their kids things that aren’t true. They don’t want to say that daddy loves them very much if the choices that daddy is making are not ones that look like they’re coming from a place of love. If daddy is, for example, abusive, it doesn’t make sense to tell them that daddy loves them.
Gaslighting them is dangerous. Kids have their own sense of reality and truth and, when you tell them things that are confusing or are inconsistent with what they know from their day-to-day life, it can undermine your relationship with them and it can be plain confusing. Is this how we tell them that people treat the people who they love?
But, from a legal perspective, we don’t want it to look like you’re badmouthing dad, that you’re alienating him, or that you’re encouraging the kids to reject him. It is a tricky tightrope to navigate, and the stakes are very, very high.
You’ll have to do your best to do both, I think. You don’t want to gaslight them or try to convince them that what they’re experiencing isn’t real, that they’re exaggerating or too sensitive, or that this is how we treat people who we love. You have to validate them, be a healthy set of eyes and ears for them, and be able to keep in mind what is age and developmentally appropriate.
Kids don’t need courtside seats to adult conflict. They need steady adults who can guide them through the sometimes difficult but always human parts of life – and divorce is one of those parts of life. They need adults who can confidently and comfortably put their needs first.
So, while you shouldn’t say anything overtly negative about him, you can acknowledge their negative feelings. You can show them how to lead with kindness and empathy, and be a safe space for them to bring their concerns related to their dad, school, coparenting, or any other issues that are coming up for them. You know, kind of the same as you always have – but also while you navigate the tricky tightrope of coparenting, separation and divorce. Needless to say, too, this is especially important if your soon-to-be ex husband is high conflict, abusive, or otherwise .. difficult.
Can I tell them why we broke up?
Some details are better left unsaid, you know? It’s not technically verboten to share information about the breakup with the kids, but – in general – I think the less said the better, especially if one parent is egregiously at fault. The fact that he cheated on you, for example, is not necessarily something they need to know.
They may find out anyway, of course. Dad make take immediately up with his affair partner – or even marry her – and they’d have to be totally oblivious not to be able to back track and think, “Heyyyy, wait a minute…?” In that case, of course, you can talk to them about it, but mostly from the perspective of how it feels for them.
The court isn’t going to like it if you’re using your influence over the kids to impact their relationship with their dad. The same should apply in reverse, too, but … I would advise you not to get too worked up over whatever he tells them. If he’s saying, for example, that you’re the one who called it quits while he still wants to get back together, when you know full well that you didn’t call it quits until after repeated affairs or whatever, it’s probably going to be better for you to continue to be a calm, steady presence for your children than to, for example, take him to court for making disparaging comments.
Is it “do as I say, not as I do” advice? Kind of! He may not follow the rules, but I don’t think that gives you any kind of permission to do the same. Not only do I think courts are generally more strict and have higher expectations where mothers are concerned, but there’s often just more to lose. If you’re the safe parent, more time with dad is not what you want to happen – so following the rules, not adding to the drama, and continuing to give your kids a soft, safe place to land should be among your top goals.
Is it perfect advice? No – and it never will be! You have to tread a very delicate tightrope and you’re probably navigating really complex dynamics. Working with a therapist yourself, or even having a therapist who can help your children navigate these life changes, can also add an important element to these ongoing conversations.
Again, I’m only an attorney, so that’s the primary lens through which I view these conversations. Having a child development expert on your team can be super helpful, too. For more information, to schedule an appointment, or to download a free copy of one of our divorce and custody guides, visit our website at hoflaw.com or call us at 757-425-5200.