One of the most difficult forms of abuse – whether it’s an ongoing pattern of abuse or whether it’s post separation abuse – is when dad refuses to allow mom to seek appropriate medical care for the child(ren) in her care.
He either says he doesn’t believe the diagnosis, he disagrees with the type of treatment, or he takes matters into his own hands, calling and repeatedly canceling appointments, or showing up and disrupting them. He adds and removes children to his insurance, or demands that prescriptions be filled and list his address. He is court ordered to have the child participate in therapy, but refuses to agree to any of the therapists…anywhere.
Let’s be clear: this is abusive. It is wrong to weaponize a child’s medical treatment, to refuse to provide life-enhancing procedures, or to take steps at every point along the way to thwart the treatment the child is receiving.
Sometimes, it’s a matter of disagreement regarding method – whether to have this or that vaccine or to pursue a more holistic kind of treatment. Other times, it’s a refusal to accept a specific diagnosis, whether because that diagnosis (like PTSD, for example) stems from his own abuse, or because the diagnosis reflects poorly on the genes he provided (“no son of mine could have Autism!”).
I can’t explain the minds of these guys, but I can tell you that avoiding medical treatment is something that abusive dads try to do all the time, making it next to impossible for the mothers to adequately care for the children. This may extend to education-related settings – like getting an IEP or a 504 plan in place – as well.
So, what can you do?
Well, for one thing, it depends on what, exactly the issues are, but usually it comes down to going to court. If he’s in violation of an order, you can file a show cause; if he’s generally thwarting medical treatment, you could file something like a motion to compel. Both you and your child’s father would have a chance to make a case for your point of view and, ultimately, the judge would decide what is most appropriate.
In order to make a case, you may have to enlist the support of experts. To show the importance of breastfeeding, you’d want a pediatrician, a pediatric nurse, or even a lactation consultant. Someone who is an expert in their field with enough specific knowledge about the child(ren) in question and who can testify to an ideal course of treatment.
Some things – like routine vaccinations – are easy because they are part of widely accepted pediatric medical care. Other things, especially if you’re trying not to allow specific vaccines or want to follow a more unusual holistic model, might require more effort on your part or a wider range of expert(s).
Ultimately, in a case where both parties have joint legal custody (which is to say – most cases) both parents have decision-making authority. Its up to the judge to cast the tiebreaking vote if you and he ultimately cannot reach resolution together.
It’s not fair, right? The judge isn’t the parent; she shouldn’t get to decide something so important. In general, the judge would vastly prefer to stay out of it, too, but – in some cases – there is literally no other resolution than that which the judge provides.
What would the judge do?
It’s hard to say, especially with the limited knowledge I have about your specific case as I write one general-ish article. It’s down to what you can show regarding his behavior and intentions and how appropriate the specific medical treatment seems to the judge, based on the evidence you can provide.
Like I said, some things are harder to prove, especially if they are different from relatively commonly accepted medical practice. Especially if his behavior is egregious and erratic, too, it can help to show a negative pattern of behavior that prevents you from seeking appropriate medical treatment across the board.
If he’s violating an agreement, that is different, too; he could be court ordered to participate, or even awarded attorney’s fees or costs associated with your appearance in court and the extra steps you had to take in order to enforce the court’s order.
The best way to seek advice in a situation like this is to consult with an attorney one-on-one about your child’s specific medical needs, the detailed procedural history of your case, and your child’s father’s issue(s) with the treatment plan you’d prefer to follow. Based on all of these, we should be able to give you a recommendation that will help you decide whether to proceed (and then, if you do, your likelihood of success on the merits of the case).
For more information, to request a copy of our custody book for Virginia moms or to register to attend an upcoming custody seminar, give us a call at 757-425-5200 or visit our website at hoflaw.com.