Whether your divorce and custody case is already on track or you’re waiting until the end of the holiday season to begin to move things forward, it’s no easy feat to keep on keeping on in the meantime. As a mom, you still want to make sure that the holidays are as magical for the kids as they always are, but the tension simmering under the surface – and the awareness that this is the last time things will be *this* way (whether that’s a good or a bittersweet feeling) – make it feel even more difficult than usual.
To be sure, the holidays always present their own challenges. Making magic isn’t easy! There are so many moving pieces that even the most organized mom can feel overwhelmed, and not quite as joyful as she’d prefer.
Dads – like moms – can handle holidays in a million different ways. If he’s a total deadbeat, he may not be around on a holiday, just like he’s not around any other time of year. He may still be a deadbeat, but then pull out all the stops on Christmas or other holidays. Maybe he even uses the holidays to try to trump you by showing up with tons of expensive gifts or gifts that aren’t age appropriate – like giving violent video games to your 6 year old.
Maybe he refuses to buy gifts at all or he tells you that gifts are supposed to come out of the (already meager) child support that he pays. Maybe he tries to take credit for the gifts that you’re giving or gets huffy if you don’t put his name on them as well.
Maybe, months ago, when you first started having conversations around the holidays, he refused to participate in them – and then had the nerve to show up on Christmas day with a gift that YOU had already bought and wrapped. Maybe he asked what he could bring – and you told him – but he showed up empty handed anyway.
Deep breaths.
I’ve heard all of these stories and then some. These dads can present all sorts of different ways, but each one of these kinds of reactions is endlessly frustrating to a mom who is just trying to keep it together and make some holiday magic for her kids.
So, what can you do?
Well, I mean. Ultimately, you already know that the only person you can control is you. There’s no legal advice I can give you that will somehow give you the ability to control him, or will force him to show up and be a good dad – on Christmas or during Hanukkah or on Tuesday, or at literally any other time of year.
At the holidays, though, it feels especially important. After all, you and your children both look forward to this time so much. (And, let’s be real: your experience here matters, too, because their childhood is your motherhood. These are the days, and all that – you want to remember them happily, especially at these otherwise happy, important times.)
It’s unsatisfying to constantly receive the advice to ‘turn the other cheek,’ but I’m going to give you a bit of that here. It’s not that I think you always need to be the bigger person but, at the holidays, when you’re particularly wanting to make things magical … well, nothing ruins holiday magic quite like unresolved tension simmering under the surface. If you feel it, your kids feel it.
It’s not that you can put it all to bed permanently or even that easily, but you can try to minimize it for the kids’ sake.
I would try to keep snide comments to a minimum. Just be happy he’s showing up, even if he shows up minimally all the rest of the time. In all likelihood, this means something to the kids. Even if he shows up empty handed, having dad there can be an unexpected boon.
You can suggest that you divvy up the Christmas gifts or you can suggest that he bring a particular item. (Though, if I were you, I’d have an extra – especially if you give him an important gift to bring – stashed in the closet just in case he doesn’t pull through, and that’s sort of a common theme for him. Returns after Christmas are easy; handling disappointment is not.) You can let him wing it, too.
It’s always a good idea to have conversations about family rules and values, especially if you’re working on some kind of cooperative coparenting. Any gifts that you don’t like or didn’t approve, you can have him keep at his own house; there’s no rule that says you have to keep them at your house. But if things like cell phones, computers, or video game consoles are causing problems, have an open dialogue about expectations and values so that you can both be on the same page (before it’s too late).
Moms and dads will parent differently; that’s a given. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not worthwhile to at least try to have conversations about screen time limits, social media usage, or other important hot button issues (especially since, these days, so many of these things have security-related concerns for minor children). Even things like video game consoles where you have games that can be played collaboratively online have huge risks – including identity theft and bullying.
There aren’t any hard and fast rules here, but it may be worth your while to help him on a bit, if he’s willing to be involved (but unlikely to do any of the emotional or domestic labor associated with the holiday). If he’s not involved, or doesn’t show up, well, that’s another thing you just can’t force.
In many ways, a complete refusal to show up is the worst alternative – not because you’d prefer if he was there – but because the kids are still looking for him and don’t understand.
Making magic all on your own is hard, but, then again, it’s hard whether you’re married, single, or somewhere in between. It may be that it has been hard like this all along. After all, those reels where the husband is shocked by every single thing the kids are unboxing are relatable for a reason.
For more information, to get more insight on how to handle complicated holiday custody and visitation issues, or to talk to one of our licensed and experienced Virginia divorce and custody attorneys, give our office a call at 757-425-5200.