There are all sorts of different moms out there in the world and, as a mom, I know how important it is to feel recognized and appreciated for the decisions that you are trying to make to ensure that your children grow up to be the best, happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.
Probably, when you’re going through a divorce or custody case, that desire slips into overdrive. You already wanted to protect them; you were already their fiercest advocate. Only now there’s a real threat!
It’s probably also worse if you feel ‘othered,’ meaning that others out there are doing it differently than you and you want to make sure that, even outside of your own regular sphere, you have the support that you need – and the support that your kids will need.
If you’re a holistic, crunchy, alternative, homeschooling, special needs, or otherwise unusual mom, you might not regularly see these issues popping up in a divorce and custody context. For ALL moms, crunchy or holistic or whatever or not, the main concern is the unknown. What will it look like? Feel like? How do you know that your children’s basic needs will be met? How can you ensure an appropriate standard of care?
Another sort of universal concern is coming from moms – of any type or variety – as the default parent, compared with a dad who has not been as involved in the day to day decisions. What happens if (or maybe when) he gets parenting time? Will he know what to do?
Obviously, hiring the right attorney for you is always an important consideration. You want to feel validated and important, and that the attorney really listens to what you have to say. (It’s a flaw, but we don’t all have a great “bedside manner”.) You want someone who can articulate your position in court, but who is also adept at managing negotiations – after all, most of us hope that our cases won’t wind up in court!
You have to be careful, though – being a good attorney (or the right attorney for you) doesn’t necessarily mean that the attorney always tells you what you want to hear. In many cases, we have to get advice that our clients DON’T want to hear. It doesn’t mean we’re not advocating for their interests – if we go to court, we can always make that argument – but we still have to tell you, based on our experience, what we think might happen.
In fact, I think it’s often important – especially in cases where you get advice that you weren’t expecting or didn’t want to hear – to get a second opinion, so that you can get a sense of what the attorneys in your area are saying that is the same and what they’re saying that is different. Some parts of this are, of course, opinion-based; it’s the practice of law, not the art of it! But there are still some interesting tidbits to glean when you ask the same question(s) to multiple attorneys, and I think it will help you get a sense of where you have options and where things are more fixed.
Which … leads me to my next point.
It’s always going to be a hard sell to say that your child’s father should parent the way you think he should on his own time. In general, the court is going to give him a wide degree of latitude to establish his own new normal in his own home on his own time. The court won’t like to mandate that he do things your way.
That being said, I think it’s possible to make a case that certain things should be considered standard, depending on what, exactly, your stance is. Attorneys do make arguments in court, but it’s not like writing a term paper where you can consult the experts, cite your sources, and give an opinion based on your assessment of the research. No, in order to make a point that the court accepts, you’ll need to consult – and bring to court – expert witnesses, who can testify about what is best and what that is the case.
If you’re taking a position – like, for example, that you don’t want your kids to be vaccinated or that you want to continue on in homeschooling – you may want to bring in an expert witness to demonstrate why this is, in fact, the best course of action. The expert witness would need to be questioned and, likely, cross examined, and your soon-to-be ex, if he wants to take a more proactive role in the litigation, may also bring his own expert to prove the opposing point.
Ultimately, it would be up to the judge to decide what is more persuasive, but what is going to be possible is going to depend on what your position is and what you’re asking the court to do. Are you asking for no vaccinations? To exclude the child from a specific vaccination? To homeschool? For a specific private school? That the cabinets be stocked with only organic, non-GMO foods? That screen time be limited?
You can see how a million issues can come up and that this article, broad as it is, couldn’t possibly address (or even foresee) every single concern. Consider what your goal is, what you want the court to do, and how you – together with a good attorney – would make a case that what you want should be what happens.
That’s how custody and visitation decisions are made, whether you’re a holistic mom or whether, like me, you feed your kids dino nuggets from time to time.
For more information or to schedule a consultation, give our office a call at 757-425-5200.