Most of the time, even when their parents are going through a divorce, kids are wonderfully resilient. Sometimes, though, the issues exacerbated by the divorce – especially if their dad is a high conflict, mentally ill, abusive, obnoxious, or otherwise unstable – can create a perfect storm for a child.
In some cases, kids struggle with really big issues during this time, including becoming suicidal or developing self-harming behaviors. I’ve seen kids, too, who develop an interest in risky behaviors, who defy authority, sneak out, drink to excess, have sex promiscuously, or post online inappropriately. These issues can come up in all sorts of ways, but they’re especially difficult to deal with in the midst of a separation, divorce, or custody case – and compounded even further when the child’s other parent is extra difficult.
From here on out, though I recognize that MANY issues can be contributing to dad’s behavior, I plan to refer to him simply as a ‘high conflict’ coparent, because this a wide umbrella that can encompass a number of different issues.
If your child’s father is high conflict, you have a million issues thrown at you on a daily basis. On top of garden variety insults, you have the fact that he’s making disparaging comments to the children or other people within your circle, that he’s practicing abusive litigation, that your mental health has taken a toll in the wake of his abuse, and more. All of these things can create an environment where it’s difficult to see the trees for the forest.
You already know this, but… the kids, and their general well-being, has to come first. It’s an easy thing to say, but a harder thing to practice, especially when you don’t know which end is up, your coparent is blaming you for everything, and even something relatively simple – like getting the child into therapy – can create a you-know-what-storm of epic proportions.
It should be easy. Your child needs help. It’s OBVIOUS your child needs help. You don’t have to be a child development expert to see it. But no matter what you suggest, or how hard you work to try to address the issues that you’re experiencing, your child’s father still won’t budge. He makes everything a million times harder than it should be.
And that makes you mad. Sad. Depressed. Anxious. A million things.
For your child’s sake, though, you have to focus on his (or her) well being first. You have to take steps to address the issues that he’s experiencing, from talking to his guidance counselor at school (in my experience, guidance counselors can be great resources), scheduling appointments with therapists, doctors, or other specialists, talking to teachers or coaches (anyone with influence, really), and more.
If your child’s father continues to fight you on this, you may have to file petitions with the court. You may have to involve experts. You may have to work harder to get less than you expected.
If your child’s father is uncooperative, it’s important to document everything. Take it to your attorney and have a talk about what’s actionable – because not everything will be – and come up with a plan for how to keep your divorce moving forward but your child’s interests at the forefront.
Things like coparenting communication apps can also help as you minimize the number of different platforms he can use to abuse you and confuse communication.
It’s definitely considerably harder with a toxic or high conflict ex, but the stakes are higher than ever before when your kid signals that there’s something relating to this transition that is making it even more difficult. If it is – as we suspect – that his dad’s behavior is taking a toll, it’s important to make sure that you’re prepared to litigate, if necessary, to protect your kids.
If you’ve followed me and my articles for any span of time, you’ll know that litigation is not something that I recommend often, or even hardly at all. But when it comes to the safety of your children, especially if your child’s father is either deflecting or refusing to accept that these issues need to be addressed, you don’t have much choice.
Your child’s behavior could be dangerous. You know this, of course. But it’s important to keep that reminder at the forefront whenever you feel like you’re not going to be able to push through.
Remember, too: this type of litigation is not easy. Even though we can identify that your child has a problem, we have to identify a specific course of action – maybe, even, fight against your child’s father’s course of action. And also keep in mind that, just because there’s a problem – even an obvious one – does not automatically mean that it’s struggling with dad’s behavior that is causing the problem for the child. Correlation doesn’t equal causation and, besides, dad is likely to make an argument that it’s because of YOU.
These cases are hard – and it may get harder before it gets easier. Still, there’s no one better to argue your case or fight for your child than you.
For more information, to request a copy of our custody book for Virginia moms, or to register to attend an upcoming Custody Bootcamp for Moms course, give our office a call at 757-425-5200 or visit us at hoflaw.com.