There are questions that no one else can answer for you – and this is definitely one of them. Though, over the course of our careers, each of us have counseled hundreds (thousands?) of women, telling a woman that she should absolutely leave her husband is … not something that we do.
In most cases, women come to us already knowing that they’re ready to leave. In fact, there’s little we could tell them that would dissuade them, so sure are they in the path forward.
In other cases – far fewer in number, I’d say – they aren’t sure yet, but are just trying to make sure they understand their rights and entitlements under the law so that, if divorce does become the solution, they are prepared.
Either way, from our perspective, it matters little. The point of an initial consultation, with us or any other firm, is to get to know the person (in our case, the woman) involved and to give her a sense of her options. It’s a tactical meeting; one designed to help you learn and understand all of your options and to help you weigh the advantages and disadvantages of a set of options.
In Virginia, you have, essentially, two when it comes to divorce: either you negotiate a signed separation agreement that divides all the assets, liabilities, and responsibilities of the parties between them, or you go to court and let a judge decide.
Now, in between those two options, there are varying degrees of choices and strategies. I say varying degrees because, of course, only half the case is up to you and the attorney you hire. Many of the cases that become particularly difficult are made so not just because of the choices of one party, but because they have to respond to the decisions made by the other party (and/or the attorney they hire to represent them). Still, you have choices.
That’s why we think it’s so important to understand, in a wider way, how divorce and custody cases are decided in Virginia. The decisions that you make in the earliest stages of the process – when things are raw and emotional and volatile – can often shape the entire case. When one party (or, worse, both parties) make more nuclear decisions, usually out of fear, the other responds in kind and situations escalate. When situations escalate, tensions rise, costs increase, and the amount of time required to resolve the case multiplies.
We really want things to be amicable, so I don’t think this will be an issue.
Absolutely. Most people tell me that! Everyone WANTS their case to be amicable. But whether or not it is actually amicable often comes down to whether both parties feel that their rights and entitlements are “fair” to them.
Your ex may say he wants to be amicable, but his idea of an amicable divorce is one in which you waive your right to spousal support. You may want to be amicable, but you really need spousal support to keep the lights on. These two sets of ideas about what’s right and what’s fair, especially in the early days, can lead to conflict.
Your ex may say that he wants to be amicable, but his vision for the future includes 50/50 custody. You want to be amicable, but you believe that your children would thrive if the status quo – you as the default parent – is maintained and if they have a more stable home base. These two beliefs in what is best and what is right absolutely lead to conflict.
You and your soon-to-be ex are at cross purposes now. It doesn’t mean that we don’t both hope that we can be amicable, but there are many, many points in the process where the situation can be inflamed.
Do attorneys make client conflict worse?
Sometimes, I do think attorneys make it worse. They choose the nuclear option because their client insists on a particular outcome; they ignore obvious red flags and don’t give their client the counsel they really need to hear. Attorneys aren’t perfect.
In my view, a good attorney will try to dial down tension. But in the view of many clients, a good attorney will present their point of view no matter the cost. People say all the time that they want an attorney who is a bulldozer or a shark. I get it. It feels good to be defended against your soon-to-be ex, especially if, in your view, they take a position that feels unreasonable. It’s hard to fight against this kind of client attitude because they feel that, if you are not pounding the table, you are not being aggressive enough in their case and for their benefit.
What they don’t see, though, is what this behavior costs them – both in terms of their ability to negotiate with the other side (once trust is gone, cases run off the rails) and their ability to determine what the costs are (both in terms of the ultimate outcome in the case and their total overall out-of-pocket costs) compared to the benefits.
Do you want an attorney who pounds the table about what you deserve, but ends up costing you three times as much and yields the same results as the attorney who is a subtle and effective negotiator?
Presented with these options, most people would say no – and yet, again and again, their fear and overwhelm can lead to them choosing the more nuclear option. And, to promote client satisfaction (and also sometimes because they are just loudmouthed bullies), there are often attorneys who will do just that.
Attorneys just want to create conflict to pad their bottom line.
It’s true that attorneys are paid for the work that they do. In family law, the work that we do involves ending marriages. But that doesn’t mean that we delight in it or even that we need to dial up tensions in order to make sure that we earn enough to survive.
The way I see it, I have 40-ish hours in an average work week. I could spend all 40 on one case but, honestly, we’re busy enough – there are enough cases coming in – that I could also divide it among a bunch of cases. The hours will be filled regardless. And I make the same whether I’m negotiating an agreement or whether I’m litigating. Maybe it’s just the stage of life I’m in – I have young kids and a busy home life – but I know which kind of work I’d much rather do.
Sure, there are attorneys who love to litigate, but that doesn’t mean that they need to make your case litigated to maximize their earnings. In the Hampton Roads area, in this day and age, it seems like all the best attorneys are incredibly busy. We need to resolve cases, not blow them up and cause them to take even longer to resolve. A steady flow of new cases is healthier for a practicing attorney than focusing all of your attention on just one that will – inevitably, at some point, even when it seems like it won’t – end.
So you won’t tell me to leave my husband?
No. The decision isn’t mine to make. The consequences aren’t mine to carry. You have to make that decision on your own. But, if you do decide that divorce is your end game, I can definitely help you work through the issues in your case.
I can help educate you, too, so that you know – ahead of time – what to expect. I can help you with planning and organization and structure so that, even when things seem really scary, you don’t cave to the fear and accidentally make things worse.
It’s why I write articles like this. It’s why I worked on all four of the free books we offer for download (and even provide hard copies if you live in our immediate area), why we do our monthly divorce seminar, why we have Girl’s Night Out events, and, really, why we exist at all.
The choices you make are so important – from whether to leave your marriage down to the specific details of the case strategy you choose. Everything, taken together, will determine what the next phase of your life looks like. I’m no saying it’s easy, or that there aren’t sacrifices, but it is possible to navigate this phase of life with confidence and clarity and come our better and stronger on the other side.
For more information, to request a copy of one of our free books, to register to attend a seminar, or to just schedule a consultation already, give our office a call at 757-425-5200.