Navigating a new – or even a long term – coparenting relationship is challenging no matter what, but it’s especially challenging when you know (or suspect) that your child’s father does not have all the things in his home that he really needs to welcome the kids on his parenting time. So, what do you do?
Should I pack a bag?
First thing’s first: you are absolutely NOT obligated to pack a bag or send any items. This is true whether he asks for those items or not. This is true whether he is paying child support or not. You do not have to pack a bag. You should be able to send the kids with the clothes on their backs, tell them goodbye, and entrust them into dad’s care and keeping because he is a coparent who should be capable of the responsibility associated with parenting them.
A child in a coparenting relationship should have two legitimate, fully functional homes, and not one home and one place he goes to visit (and where he must live out of a suitcase). I don’t always talk to the children of divorce, but I do sometimes – and, when I do, a constant refrain I hear is how hard it is to carry their entire lives back and forth between the two houses.
What about the stuff that has to go back and forth anyway?
There will be so much that goes back and forth, it’ll be more than enough to keep up with anyway. When they’re young, they’ll have special loveys or toys they can’t live without; as they get older, they’ll have music or sports equipment, cell phones or laptops and chargers, and all of their school stuff. For special needs children, too, the adaptive equipment and other necessities of life can amount to a lot when you’re constantly exchanging them back and forth.
Don’t overcomplicate matters that are complicated enough, you know? There’s already plenty that must go back and forth. You don’t need to send optional or unnecessary items.
What MUST go back and forth?
We’ve already started talking about it a little, but there are certain categories of things that will go back and forth almost no matter what. You’ll send back and forth the items that reasonable families don’t have two of – the violin, the baseball bat, the school backpack, the adaptive equipment, and the prescription medication. If you’re nursing and it’s important to you to continue doing so, you may want to send breastmilk to dad’s house (probably also with safe storage and heating instructions, if he hasn’t already mastered them). I’d always add in, too, the ‘emotional support’ items that the child can’t live without. You’re not expecting your child to sleep at dad’s house without their special blankie, you know? That would be cruel.
What should NOT go back and forth?
Of course, you have to do what you have to do – and different families establish different balances. If everything is going well and there’s a free flow of items and information back and forth from the houses and everyone is basically cordial, set your own rules.
But, in general, you should not have to send back and forth a packed suitcase full of clothes (this includes things like shoes, socks, underwear, bathing suits, and other items in the child’s wardrobe). You shouldn’t have to send diapers and wipes, baby formula, or pacifiers. You shouldn’t send food or snacks; you don’t need to pack a cooler or a lunchbox. You don’t have to pre-prepare everything they’ll need and pack it away with instructions, (like, “Here’s your swimsuit and a wrapped gift for Bella’s birthday party on Thursday,”).
Though you might put it in the category of “adaptive equipment,” I wouldn’t send a car seat back and forth, either. He really should have his own (and he should know how to install it). I wouldn’t send a stroller, babywearing device, or other equipment that belongs to me.
What items should you use caution before sending?
I’d put this in a “yellow” category, but I’d also probably say that I wouldn’t send any items that I wasn’t sure about. I would be especially careful in cases where you have an ex who would damage, destroy, or refuse to return items that you need for the kids on your time.
Good examples would be expensive gaming consoles (particularly hand held ones, because the bigger ones are not as easily moved), sentimental or one-of-a-kind items, and non-school-issued devices (like iPads, AirPods, or personal computers). Be cautious, too, about any items that come with location services, whether they are going from your house to his or his house to yours.
Isn’t this advice kind of ugly?
I’m not saying you should be rude or aggressive about it. I think I’d categorize this advice as fairly neutral because there’s really no need to be a jerk about it. If he asks for items to be provided, a gentle no is all you need to say. “I’m sorry, I can’t send diapers. But if you need to know what type she’s used to or what size she needs, please let me know.” I wouldn’t go out of my way to be ugly about it – you and I both know that’s probably a recipe for more trouble than it’s worth – but I would also say no.
Keep in mind, too, that – though he may be annoyed with you – this is for the good of the kids, too! They deserve to have two homes, both of which are set up to appropriately receive them. If dad isn’t doing the work, he’s going to have to if you stop doing it for him, and that’s a net benefit to the child(ren) involved. It’s not like he’s going to do without diapers.
It may seem harsh, but it’s also one of the only ways to encourage him to stand on his own two feet. If you give him a bunch of warnings but ultimately cave when he doesn’t have what he should have, he’ll continue to expect you to provide it.
He pays child support. Does that count for anything?
Yes, of course! He pays child support, which is meeting a legal requirement. That does not require you, though, to fully equip him for his parenting time. Child support is calculated based off of how much time the parents have with the children, and he’s still expected to provide for them during his parenting time. And, yes, that includes diapers – even if you technically used some of the child support you received to pay for diapers.
This isn’t an opinion of mine; this is the way the law works. That’s actually why, on a shared custody guideline calculation, he’ll pay LESS in support – because he takes on more of the parenting time and the expenses associated with it. Child support offsets the income differential, if there is one, and accounts for the other expenses of the child (like work related childcare, health insurance, and support paid for other children) and then adjusts again for how much time each parent has. That’s how the law is designed to work.
I’m worried my child won’t have what she needs. How can I help her – and help him do his duty during his time?
I get it. We all want to feel like we’re setting our kids up for success. And we pack bags for all the other things!
I’d let the child lead the way about what she feels she needs to bring (again, as long as these items aren’t weaponized against you or coming back damaged), but I wouldn’t overpack. If she’d feel better taking a change of clothes or something specific, I wouldn’t stop it. That would feel ugly to me – for her sake, not for his.
But I wouldn’t overprepare or try to come up with a solution for every potential problem. If your child needs you, chances are good she’ll be able to call or send a text – and you could (if you live close enough, and the coparenting relationship allows it) help out in real time if worst comes to worst.
Chances are, they’ll all learn – and they’ll all be better off for it. It won’t be perfect, but, then again, very few things in life are. And also there’s something to be said for a little bit of trial and error on both sides, especially as you get used to navigating a new normal.
For more information or to schedule an appointment with one of our licensed and experienced Virginia divorce and child custody attorneys, give our office a call at 757-425-5200.