There has been so much – sooo much – discussion, especially online, about parental alienation that it’s easy to get confused. Some camps maintain that parental alienation isn’t a thing, while others hammer the point home; and, in any case, you may have seen stories about children in other states who have been sent to ‘reunification camps’ to try to reestablish their relationship with their “alienated” parent.
What does it all mean? And what’s real?
Parental alienation refers to a situation where a non-alienated parent uses their influence to damage the child’s relationship with their other parent. Basically, the premise is that – in extreme cases – the parent will use their influence to such a degree that the child will essentially reject the other parent, through no fault of their own.
Of course, children CAN become alienated from their parents – often, as you’ve probably already realized – through their own bad actions. And it’s also probably true that one parent constantly making disparaging comments about the child’s other parent in their presence would cause them to have a more complicated relationship, though probably with both parents.
Parental alienation as a term was originally coined by Richard Gardner, a therapist with a pretty contentious background. (See his comments on sexually deviant behaviors, like pedophilia.) He called it ‘parental alienation syndrome,’ and argued that it was a formal psychological diagnosis that could/should be admitted into the DSM IV.
A number of major organizations – the American Psychological Association, American Medical Association, American Academy of Pediatrics, and more – have refused to recognize parental alienation as a formal diagnosis. Here’s just a quick example of this: https://xyonline.net/sites/xyonline.net/files/2020-04/Thomas%2C%20Parental%20Alienation%20Syndrome%20-%2030%20Years%20On%20and%20Still%20Junk%20Science%202015.pdf
As always, though – feel free to do your own research! Don’t just take my word for it.
It is, though, a concept that has gained a lot of traction, particularly in custody cases. The main scenario where we see parental alienation wreak actual havoc is where a mom has made an allegation of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse and the dad then countersues with an allegation of parental alienation, basically saying, “I didn’t abuse my kids; this is just another example of mom trying to poison my relationship with them.”
For whatever reason, courts often find this compelling. An entire industry of ‘professionals’ has sprung up around parental alienation cases, even though there’s really no actual scientific evidence that this is taking place.
Sure, it’s possible that disparaging comments hurt a child’s relationship with one parent; it could, even, happen to a mom. But the real parental alienation cases that you’re hearing about are a countersuit in response to an allegation of abuse, which means that – in alarming numbers – children are literally being handed back to their abusers.
I’ll be transparent: I side with science. I don’t see any actual evidence that parental alienation – like is being alleged in these cases – exists. I side with the major, credible, medical and psychological associations, that have debunked it; even referred to it as ‘junk science’.
But that doesn’t mean that it’s not a thing, especially in the sense that in an abuse case, these allegations can surface – which means that, whether I believe them or not, I have to deal with the issues that come up in the case. Sheera Herrell, my coworker and the owner of this firm, says that parental alienation is less of a syndrome than a tactic, and I think I agree with that.
It’s a tactic, in many cases, to try to take custody from a protective mom. It’s a tactic to gain attention, sympathy, and to continue to use litigation abusively – to financially, emotionally, and psychologically damage mothers.
It’s not a thing, but it continues to rear its ugly head. And, though I haven’t found specific evidence that children in Virginia are being sent to these reunification camps, it’s happening nationwide – and there are even literal children ‘on the run’ to avoid having to be physically removed from their homes (seriously, Google it – the footage is so distressing) and forced into ‘therapy’ with their abuser. Again, with concepts like this, it really is important to do your own research and draw your own conclusions.
It’s easy to want to look away, but I can’t. It’s happening too much, and the impact is too real and too devastating.
For more information, to request a copy of our custody book for Virginia moms, to register to attend an upcoming Custody Bootcamp for Moms seminar, or to request copies of any of our free reports, visit our website at hoflaw.com or give us a call at 757-425-5200.