Question: My child’s father and I share custody. Our child is involved in a number of activities and there are practices, games, recitals, meets, and more, all on a regular basis. I’ve always taken the child to everything, and I’ve never missed a game or performance, but now that we’re divorced, my child’s father is telling me I can only go to the stuff that’s on my time. Is that true?
This is a question that comes up all the time and it’s absolutely mind boggling to me. Are you restricted from going to a public place and watching your child compete or perform in public because of a custody agreement or parenting plan? Absolutely not!
During dad’s parenting time, dad is responsible for getting the child to and from her activities. Sometimes, that’s a point of contention because dad flat out refuses. Not being used to the chauffer deal, some dads really struggle with the time and intensity involved in a child’s extracurricular activities. In those instances, I often tell moms that, if they can work it out, they can even pick up and take the kids on dad’s time, if he refuses – but the other side of the coin is this situation.
Just because it’s his time does not mean that you can’t show up. After all, it’s a public place and there’s nothing stopping you! Even if dad, for example, takes the child to baseball practice or the swim meet, that doesn’t mean that you can’t go.
This is true even if you have supervised visitation or no parenting time at all. You can show up to a public place to cheer for and support your child. Of course, at the end of the game or meet or performance, your child will go home with whoever has parenting time (and if, for example, you have supervised visitation, you should not try to get the child one-on-one). But that doesn’t mean that you cannot or should not show up.
Imagine if coparenting meant that you had to agree to miss half of their games or performances! It absolutely does not.
You do not have to sit with your child’s father or make nice with his new partner – though, of course, it is generally better for coparenting (not to mention better manners and less awkward for any other innocent bystanders) if you are at least basically cordial. You do not have to communicate about pick up and drop off. You can literally just sit on the sidelines, cheer for your kid, then pack up your folding chair and leave when its over.
For a performance, you’re fine to gift your kid the traditional bouquet, hang around for some photos, attend the after party or reception, or whatever other event. Team banquets or celebratory dinners? Yup, you can go to those, too. You can go to any event that exists for team and family members, regardless of whose time it is on that particular day.
It being dad’s parenting time just means that dad is responsible for meeting the child’s obligations that day. He gets her to and from, he washes the uniform, he fills the water bottle, he provides the snacks, and he takes her home at the end of it. But you? If it’s not your parenting time, you can just show up, take pics, and go home. You’re like a grandparent or a fun aunt.
He doesn’t have to like it – and, it’s true, he can make it uncomfortable if he’s that type – but he can’t prevent you from being there. And while I, too, would worry about the impact of his bad behavior on the child, I still don’t think, if it were me, it would dissuade me from being there.
Keep in mind that, in these custody cases, we often see the worst of the worst at the very beginning. It is difficult, time consuming, and expensive to keep up that kind of hatred full time. Most of the time, especially when his efforts don’t generate the response he’s looking for, it will taper off over time.
I wouldn’t want to ruin the experience for my child, but I also wouldn’t want to miss all of those events, as a rule, whenever they fell on his parenting time. Besides, you’ll have mandatory events – graduations, weddings, etc – and it’s better to get used to being together now, when the stakes are low, than saving it all up for a major life milestone and ruining it for your child.
Each case is different, so this may – or may not – be the answer for you, and I can totally understand wanting to steer clear until the smoke has cleared. The important thing to know, though, is that even if he is telling you that you cannot come, that is not the truth.
For more information, to register for an upcoming custody seminar or to request a copy of our child custody book, give our office a call at 757-425-5200 or visit our website at hoflaw.com.