I’ve heard so many different versions of the same story – a deadbeat dad, an abusive dad, a homeless dad, a narcissistic dad, an addicted dad – and desperate, terrified moms wanting to know what their options are.
For one reason or another, many have asked me whether they’d get sole custody, whether they could severely limit their child’s father’s parenting time, whether they can ask for supervised visitation, and more.
Usually, I have to say, for pretty darn good reasons.
Though some are just concerned because dad hasn’t exactly been a primary caregiver (or a caregiver at all) or that he isn’t the primary attachment figure – and, hey, that concern is legit – most are concerned about his behavior, his choices, and his ability to put the kids first.
So, what are your options?
In child custody, as in almost every type of case ever, there are two options: you either (1) reach an agreement, or (2) you go to court and let the judge decide.
Negotiating an agreement gives you a lot more control over the outcome, but it may or may not be possible with a narcissistic, abusive, or otherwise high conflict ex. You can’t negotiate an agreement by yourself; he’ll have to, at some point, participate and reach an agreement with you for an agreement to be valid.
Otherwise, it’s just paper with words printed on it. It has no force or impact.
If you can’t reach an agreement, you’ll have no other options: you’ll have to petition the court to resolve whatever issues you’ve left unresolved.
In custody, that usually amounts to child custody (legal and physical), visitation, and child support. Usually, legal custody is awarded jointly, but this only refers to the right to make decisions regarding (1) non emergency medical care, (2) religious upbringing, and (3) education. Physical custody – the decision about where and with whom the child (or children) will spend her time can be awarded primarily to one party, shared between both, or split, with different parenting plans for different children.
Will the judge give him parenting time?
Whether or not dad will get parenting time will be down to what, specifically, you can say against him. Though Virginia law specifically says that no form of custody will be favored over another and that all forms (primary, shared, and split physical custody) will be given equal weight, in most cases, dads DO get parenting time.
We aren’t a state that has a mandatory 50/50 presumption for parenting time, but that’s often the end result.
The problem with abusers and narcissists, and specifically of family abuse, is that they’re often pretty good at hiding it and there are no witnesses other than their partner (who is “biased”) and the child (who is unreliable as a witness). So, even in cases where he is abusive or where there are real issues, it can be difficult to prove.
We can ask for drug testing. We can ask for address information (and info relating to whoever he may be living with). We can do formal discovery.
But it’s all down to the evidence.
I wish I had a better, clearer answer, but I’ve seen terrible cases where things that you’d think would preclude a person from having parenting time have not had that impact in real life.
When I say “it’s up to the judge,” … well, it’s up to the judge. And they’re not all the same. Different judges, even within the same court system, can come to entirely different conclusions.
It’s hard to guess ahead of time what might happen in your custody case, and I know that’s about as not-comforting-at-all as it is possible to be, especially when you’re terrified for your child’s well being.
Though you certainly don’t have to try to negotiate an agreement, especially if you think that your child’s father would not be willing to negotiate, we often do start there, at least as an attempt to control the narrative.
It’s usually not as easy as just waiving child support (so that he has a reduced incentive to seek more parenting time), but it can sometimes be an appealing option.
For more information, schedule a consultation, request a copy of our custody book, and/or attend an upcoming custody seminar.