Same old, same old, am I right? I know there are arguments here on both sides – moms only want custody because they want the child support and dads only want more parenting time because they want to pay less child support.
But, the truth is, it’s really easy to tell who is most motivated by money. How? Look at who was doing the caregiving labor BEFORE the divorce or breakup, when there was no child support as part of the equation.
I’ve heard it before and I’m sure I’ll hear it again, but dads who were more than content to take a backseat during the marriage or the relationship suddenly come out of the woodwork when child support numbers start getting thrown around.
Newsflash: it costs to raise a kid.
Nationwide, the average is between $1,500 and $2,000 a month; from birth to age 18, it costs $200,000-400,000k. Simply put, it is seriously expensive. So, child support is not a way of extracting more money from your ex partner; it’s a necessary lifeline that allows you to provide for your children.
Sure, not all dads and all that. Some dads are good dads. Okay, now that we’ve got that out of our system, let’s talk about reality. If he was content to let you have custody before but only starts talking about being a good dad when he hears what the guideline child support figure is, I agree with you – that is cause for alarm.
It’s a large, brightly colored red flag waving not-so-subtly in the breeze. You can see right through it. And so can I. So, what can we do about it?
Is 50/50 custody the standard in Virginia?
Technically, no. Virginia law only explicitly requires that the judge consider all forms of custody – shared physical, primary physical, and split physical – equally. It does not require that the judge give more weight or preferential treatment to a 50/50 arrangement.
In Virginia, custody determinations are made based off of the “best interests of the child”, which is a codified set of ten factors that you should be planning your arguments around because the judge *must* consider them in rendering a decision.
Still, the courts are fairly lenient towards dads, even ones who never had much to do with raising the kids in the first place. And most judges – though I can never say “all,” because I can’t speak for them all personally – really don’t like arguments being focused on who is trying to get more child support or avoid paying child support. Saying it that way isn’t generally a good look, so I’d avoid making that argument in court in so many (sort of obvious) words. Yes, even if it is wildly transparently true.
Judges are – in general – probably likely to find that, even if dad wasn’t the most present parent in the world before the divorce, separation, or breakup, that he should be given an opportunity. It’s a special change in circumstances that might cause either (or both) to shift or readjust priorities. That does not assume 50/50, though some judges do seem to like it.
Does 50/50 custody mean child support won’t be awarded?
No! When we’re talking about 50/50 custody, we’re talking about how parenting time will be shared. That isn’t necessarily how the child’s expenses will be shared.
In fact, when it comes to child support, we’re rarely talking about the parties’ specific expenses at all. (And, no, you don’t owe him an ‘accounting’ of how your child support dollars were spent and, even if you wanted to share in order to ‘keep the peace,’ I would most certainly advise that you DO NOT DO THIS.)
Child support is a guideline, meaning that it’s a specific figure. You can determine what your child support guideline will be – it’s all codified in the statute! So, basically, you add together your combined monthly income (yours and your child’s father’s) and you go down the chart on the left hand side until you find the number that represents it most closely. Then, you go to the right hand side of the chart however many columns based on the number of children you share together. For one child, move over to the first column; for tow children, you go to the second, and so on.
But that’s not what you pay. You’ll pay that amount pro rata – basically, proportionally, based on your incomes – but it will still be offset by some other factors, like the amount of parenting time you each have (primary and shared physical custody handle this differently), as well as things like the support you pay for children born from other relationships, what you pay in work-related childcare, and what you pay in health insurance premiums for the kids only.
So, if there’s a larger income differential, there will be more child support awarded – even if the parenting time is split 50/50. It’s always good to talk to an attorney to run these guideline calculations. As far as I know, there are no reliable calculators online that perfectly match the one that attorneys and judges use (which is a subscription-based service that costs kind of a lot of money – $300 per user per year – for most regular, non-attorney people to actually pay). There are sites that come and go, but it is impossible for me to vet each one, so I can’t tell you exactly what you’ll find out there.
What if he asks for more parenting time to reduce his child support – but doesn’t exercise it?
He won’t be the first or the last! If he asks for a ton of parenting time that he then doesn’t exercise, you can petition the court to modify based on what’s actually happening.
You’d obviously want to document this so you’d have as much proof as possible – any text message conversations between you, calendars notated with what happened (say he picked them up on time, but dropped them off early on March 26th when he was supposed to keep them through the weekend), etc – so that you can show the judge what has actually happened.
Ideally, you’d also have a provision in your custody agreement or court order that if you have to take him to court to enforce specific provisions that the prevailing party be awarded attorney’s fees – though, of course, you could ask for fees even without that provision (it’s just ultimately up to the judge whether they’d be awarded or not).
You could also represent yourself – we call that being “pro se” – without an attorney.
Ultimately, I think the truth will out in this kind of scenario. Either he’ll ask for parenting time that he doesn’t want and can’t exercise (or that he’ll try to foist off on someone else, like his mom or new girlfriend – also something to maybe address in your custody agreement or court order) or maybe, just maybe, he’ll actually step up to the plate and be a good dad.
Also, maybe not.
What if he asks for 50/50, but then asks me to provide all the stuff? Even pack a bag for him? I don’t have to do that, do I?
No – you absolutely do not have to pack a bag. If he’s a 50/50 parent, he should have stuff for the kids at his house! Actually, that’s part of why the support obligation is less – because he’ll use some of that money on his time to care for the kids! He should have clothes, groceries, diapers, bedding, medicine, and all the other things that make up a child’s life.
There are some things that you won’t have two of and will need to go back and forth – special loveys, prescription medication or other medical devices, sports or specialty equipment, and that kind of thing – but most things make sense for the kids to have in both places, since both are “home”.
You don’t have to send things to his house and, really, you shouldn’t. I know, I know – you don’t want the kids to suffer. Neither do I. It would be a huge internal battle for me, too. But, also, you’d be reinforcing weaponized incompetence – and, worse, you’d be depleting your already-reduced resources.
If he wants 50/50, he really does need to learn to step up to the plate, or step back and let you run it if he can’t.
It’s a really tough situation to be in and there really aren’t perfect solutions. Even if he is solely motivated by money, he may still have an opportunity to step up to the plate. I often tell moms to think of custody as a marathon, rather than a sprint and, even though I know that’s pretty unwelcome advice, it’s still true. It can take awhile to find your stride, to continue on with my running metaphors.
For more information or to request a copy of our custody book for Virginia moms, give our office a call at 757-425-5200 or visit our website at hoflaw.com.