In Virginia, when you file for child custody, you also often file for visitation and child support. These petitions go hand in hand for a number of reasons, but probably the biggest one is that, if you don’t ask for something, the court doesn’t have the power to award it. So many things in law (and family law specifically) are rooted in worst case scenarios, and this is one of them. If, for whatever reason, you were not awarded custody, if you had not petitioned the court for visitation, you could not turn around later and ask for it. You have to properly put visitation, as an issue, before the court or else the judge can’t render a decision that includes visitation.
You’re not asking for HIS visitation; he should file his own petitions asking for the specific relief he’s requesting as well. You’re asking for you, he’s asking for him.
But, yes, it’s still called visitation.
And I hear what you’re thinking, “I don’t VISIT with my kids.” Well, probably, you’re not thinking that because you have been the default parent and you don’t visit them anyway – you’re too busy parenting.
And, though I represent women only, and those women are often the primary or default parents, I do think that using the word “visitation” to describe the time that your child’s other parent gets is antiquated.
It’s not that I care about his feelings. Believe me, I do not. But I DO care about the messages we’re sending and I definitely care if the words we’re choosing are ones that further enrage the other parent and set us up for more fruitless litigation.
I can’t help what the court calls it, and it’s not entirely wrong to call it visitation. After all, the law still does, so the court – and your judge – likely will, too. Because the court, and its judges, use the language of the law. And, sometimes – or maybe even all the time – that language is dated and doesn’t reflect modern sensibilities. I think “visitation” is a good example of that.
You could call it visitation, but it wouldn’t help. One thing that does help, I think, is calling the time that he has (or the time that you have, even if it’s significantly more than his) “parenting time” instead.
What does parenting time mean?
Parenting time is, simply, visitation. The time that your child’s other parent spends parenting. Now, we might quibble over whether or not what he does amounts to truly active, effective, or engaged “parenting,” but there’s no question that it puts a nice little bow on top of things. He has his parenting time, you have yours. No one is “visiting,” the child, because parents don’t visit. Well, maybe they do, if they’re out of town and only show up for a few days here and there and never take the kids on their own – which happens – but it’s still probably not the most polite or respectful thing to refer to it that way.
And words matter. Even if you think, privately, that what he’s doing more accurately amounts to visitation than “parenting time,” the words help keep the conversation child, rather than parent, focused. It helps to minimize the stigma of being the lesser present parent. It gives the illusion, at least, of both parents being on a level playing field.
That doesn’t mean it’s level, though, because there’s still the matter of legal and physical custody.
Legal custody
Legal custody refers to the right of parents to make three types of decisions on behalf of minor children: (1) non emergency healthcare, (2) religious upbringing, and (3) education. Everything else is the responsibility of the parent who currently has parenting time – so, if you’re the primary parent, you’d be making more of the day-to-day decisions.
Physical custody
Physical custody refers to where and with whom the child(ren) spend the majority of time. Physical custody can be awarded primarily to one parent, shared between both parents (with 90 or more days being the starting point for shared custody territory), and split between children (so, different parenting plans for different children).
If you have more of the time, you have more of the time, no matter what we call his visitation or parenting time.
At the end of the day, I think using parenting time – a term I try to use exclusively, unless I’m referring specifically to petitions filed with the court – is helpful and denotes an importance to the secondary parent relationship. This can help diffuse conflict and it gives the whole series of events more legitimacy.
Use whatever words you want, but remember – words matter.
For more information or to schedule an appointment with one of our licensed and experienced Virginia divorce and custody attorneys, give our office a call at 757-425-5200.