It’s hard enough to be a parent in modern times; it’s even harder when you add in the difficulty associated with trying to be a collaborative coparent with your ex. Even in otherwise happy marriages, moms and dads disagree about what is best for their kids. In a situation where mom and dad are no longer together, the incentive to resolve the issues peacefully – or the ability to give each other any credit – is often lost.
I find that children who are navigating two different homes often have cell phones at earlier ages than children who aren’t, mostly because giving the child a cell phone means that one parent (or the other) can reach the child more easily. It’s pretty easy to understand; it’s difficult to continually have to call your child’s other parent to speak to the child and, when push comes to shove, your coparent might not be all that willing to allow you to have the kind of access to the child that you feel is appropriate.
A cell phone gives you access to make voice and video calls and send and receive text or picture messages. All of these things are a powerful incentive to an otherwise disconnected parent. The lure of the fancy tech is usually something the child will willingly go along with, too.
Should we give our child a cell phone?
For any parent, the decision to give a child a cell phone – or any other technological device – is a personal one. You and your child’s father should, in an ideal world, have a discussion about it and then agree about when you think it is appropriate to introduce this kind of technology.
Smartphones make this an even more complicated question. Cyberbullying is rampant in schools, and this often originates through children’s personal devices. Not only that, but cell phones – with an internet connection – can be a gateway to all kinds of adult-only content that you’d prefer they didn’t access, especially not at such a young age.
There are parental controls, but this only works if you manage the account yourself; if your child’s father purchased or supplied the phone, you may have less control over it than you would like. Not only that, but things like location services – even apps like FindMyiPhone – can make you (and your child) more easily trackable, which is not ideal in a situation involving domestic violence.
In a cooperative coparenting situation, a cell phone is one thing. If your coparent is less collaborative and more counter-parenting, you might have even more issues. I’ve seen plenty of cases where one parent is aggressively opposed to something like the introduction of a cell phone and the other parent provides it anyway. You could take it away in your own home – after all, just because he allows something doesn’t mean you have to – or vice versa. It can be incredibly frustrating to find that your child’s other parent – or, worse — their stepmom! – is taking away a device that you carefully and consciously purchased and intended for specific use. (This is especially true if part of your motivation for the device’s purchase was the standard of care – or lack thereof – in the other home.)
Who pays for the cell phone?
In an ideal world, it would be good to address these costs – cell phones, car insurance, etc – in a separation agreement or custody agreement, but these kinds of provisions are usually few and far between. In cases where the agreement or court order is silent, the parents will either have to agree to share the cost between themselves or one parent will just eventually give in and provide the phone (which makes them even saltier when the other parent seizes the phone in their home).
There are no hard and fast rules about the cost of cell phones. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever litigated the issue. I would think, though, that judges are reluctant to dictate something so personal to the parents and would, instead, push the issue back on them. Kind of a ‘get a cell phone if you want the child to have one; take the cell phone if you don’t kind of attitude, which really gets no one anywhere because everyone is still so angry about it.
Of course, there are legitimate safety concerns, too, especially with location services (and especially if it’s something your child’s father has provided and you don’t have access to the controls). It’s important not to forget the tracking capabilities that these devices have.
Much like for married parents, there is no guidance on when (or if) you should provide a cell phone for your child. With separated, divorced, or broken up coparents (or parents who were never together to begin with), it can be even more complicated.
If you have a specific safety concern, it might be worth raising with your attorney or the court. Otherwise, I think you’re probably not likely to find that the court will be much help. So much of the time – yes, even when it feels impossible – the courts just expect parents to be able to work things out on their own.
Having joint legal custody means that you really only have to confer with your coparent about non emergency medical care, religious upbringing, and education. Cell phones don’t really fall into one of those three categories and, generally speaking, everything else is something that the parent who has parenting time is able to decide. Your child’s other parent can decide, during his parenting time, what the standards are. You can standardize these rules across your households, if you’re cooperative with each other, but you can also set up a different standard in your own home if need be.
Hey, it’s not easy. I get it! But … that’s about all the help I can provide. For more information, to request a copy of our custody book for moms, or to register to attend an upcoming custody seminar, give our office a call at 757-425-5200.