The studies have consistently shown that kids do better with navigating a divorce and/or separation situation within their own family when they can see other similar families. That’s not to say that your kids can’t have play dates with kids whose parents are still happily married or that you need to seek out the other single mothers on the playground specifically, but it is always helpful to talk about how family dynamics can be different in structure.
A family is not “broken” because of a divorce. Though there are certainly families who are broken, it is less a factor of the marital status of the parents and more a function of how the family operates. Abuse can break a family, whether the parents are married or unmarried.
Luckily, a lot of the stigma around separation and divorce has gone away, so your kids are unlikely to be teased because of your marital status – or, at least, less likely than in previous generations. Probably, there are a number of children in your child’s class whose parents have already separated or divorced or, instead, never married at all.
This is all helpful because – like I am sure you have heard before – representation matters to children. It’s why it’s so important to see minorities represented culturally, and it’s the same with marital status. Kids feel seen when they see others who are like them. When they can say, “Oh, I’m not the only one.”
While you can probably find this representation in your real life, you can also introduce themes to your kids with the books you read, the TV you watch, and the way that you talk about the people around you.
Whenever I want to talk about something with my kids – or, heck, learn something new myself – I tend to turn to books. Books are a great way to introduce themes in a non-threatening way and to get kids to think about things without overtly having a conversation yourself. (Though you should be having conversations, too, it’s just that reading a book lets them introduce their own values and critical thinking skills to the conversations that you’re already having.)
Are there any age appropriate books on divorce for young children?
Yes, of course!
A couple I’d recommend are these:
- Why Do Families Change?: Our First Talk About Separation and Divorce, by Dr. Jillian Roberts (recommended age, 3-5)
- Always Mom, Forever Dad, by Joanna Rowland (recommended age 4-8)
- Here and There, by Tamara Ellis Smith (recommended age 3-8)
- Living with Mom and Living With Dad, by Melanie Walsh (recommended age 2-5)
- Weekend Dad, by Naseem Hrab (recommended age 4-7)
There are just to get you started; I’m sure there are tons of other age appropriate titles that can help you explain what you’re going through (and help your validate your kids’ lived experiences).
Books are just one way to do it, of course; there are always television shows and real life families that you can draw on as well. I remember specifically when Zoe, from Sesame Street, made waves for being the first puppet whose “parents” were divorced – there was a whole episode on it!
It’s a place to start, anyway.
As you begin to gather information about separation, divorce, and custody, you should also consider downloading one of the four books we’ve written specifically for you (and not for the kids). There is lots of learning and planning to do and the more you delve into the information you need to know, the better off you’ll be – and the better you’ll be able to help your kids navigate the changes that are coming their way.
For more information, to see our available titles for (free!) download, give us a call or visit our website at hoflaw.com.