Does my child’s coparent have to help with extracurriculars?

Posted on Jan 15, 2025 by Katie Carter

There are many different ways that your child’s other parent can try to push the envelope by making you responsible for things that, really, you shouldn’t be solely responsible for if they’re an active and responsible coparent.  Extracurriculars are often one of those things.

But how do you know if your question is one that you should do something about – like, hire an attorney and take it to the court to decide – or one that you just have to find a way to deal with.  It’s frustrating to know that there’s nothing you can do, but it’s hard to know where the line falls between doing something and just grumbling about it.

I try to answer a lot of those questions here because, for the most part, they’re not niche.  It’s pretty rare that I come across an issue that I haven’t seen before.  The questions are fairly common.  (It’s almost like these jerk exes have some kind of guide book that they’re following, because they’re all doing the same jerky things.)

For some questions, too, there are shades of gray – but not always.  This question is one of those where, in my personal legal opinion, there isn’t a lot of gray.  Let’s look at one!

Question: My kids – 9 and 11 – are in several extracurricular activities and have been for years.  Their dad, my ex, is a “provider” type but, in terms of actually being a dad, is totally withdrawn and disinterested.  Since our divorce, I’ve paid for all of their extracurriculars and, since he won’t take them to and from practices, meets, games, and recitals, I’ve shuttled them – even on his parenting time.  I’m picking them up and dropping them off for hours every single week.  He says he won’t do it so, if I want them to participate, I have to take them.  I’m drowning.  Can I get him to help, either logistically or financially?  He keeps making a big deal about how he has 50% of the parenting time, but he is not handling 50% of the responsibilities.  I’m STILL doing it all, and I’m exhausted.

Ugh.  These guys are the worst.  And they know it, right?  They totally have you over a barrel because you’re over here worried about what’s good for the kids and he’s over there, only worried about what’s good or easy for him.  And he knows, too, that if he doesn’t do it, you’ll pick up the slack – so the kids are getting all the things that they should and he doesn’t have to participate.  Better yet, he has a monopoly on your time and your money post divorce, and what jerk of a dude doesn’t love that kind of control and power?

The bad news is that there’s not much you can do.  In this situation, you’re not coparenting cooperatively, you’re parallel coparenting – which means that you’re each responsible for how you spend your own parenting time without the input of your other coparent.  Without some kind of provision in the separation agreement/custody agreement/court order that specifies how extracurricular costs should be shared, you are unlikely to get him to agree to help.  (After all, up until now, he has refused, right?)

Not only that, but you’re not going to be able to require that he take the kids to and from their activities, even if they’re well-established from long before the divorce.  He will be able to choose – and choosing to be a jerk is a valid option.  Courts are reluctant to get in the middle of a parent’s decision-making authority and the decision to enroll kids in a ton of extracurricular activities is a big one.  In many cases, it involves hours and hours and multiple nights a week, plus weekends and even expensive travel.

I’m not saying that the extracurriculars here rise to that level but, in any case, it’s a big decision to participate in sports or other activities.  It’s a decision that both parents are entitled – according to the court – to make for themselves with respect to their own parenting time.

If you’re exhausted, you’re okay to take a step back.  You’re fine – reasonable, even – to prioritize your own well being and not to continue to manage extracurriculars for the kids on his time and your own.  If he’s a true 50/50 parent, he would be taking responsibility for these things.

In some ways, it’s like when you were married because you were probably handling it all yourself then, too.  But it’s not just the same, because you likely are traveling to and from dad’s place, too, which adds more time to an already time consuming chore.  (I’m sorry – it’s a chore!)

I think you’re not unreasonable at all to shift the responsibility to him.  Share the information and calendars with dad.  Tell him you can’t do it.  I wouldn’t have the conversation with the kids directly, but, eventually, he’ll have too.  Your daughter will wonder why he’s not taking her to dance. Your son will realize he’s got a baseball game.  ….Is he REALLY not going to take them to these activities that they love so much?  That’s on him, and not on you.

I would ask for his contribution, too, but I’d probably try to get him to handle his share of the logistics first.  Keep on going with the sign ups as they exist and just try to weave dad into the process.  Let him know about upcoming events; even create a shared calendar.  Have a conversation with him about what you need and let him know that, in the future, he needs to take some accountability.

If he says no and refuses to do it or pay for any part of it, well, that’s his choice.  He will likely have to answer to some very disappointed kids, so he may get it together.  Then again, he may not.

At that point, its up to you to decide whether you are going to take back up his slack or whether your physical and mental health will be better if you just … don’t.  Plenty of kids participate in sports or activities half the time.

Is it ideal?  No.  But you can’t bear the responsibility for all of it.  You’ve already seen how unhealthy that is.

For more information or to request a copy of our custody book for Virginia moms, give us a call at 757-425-5200 or visit our website at hoflaw.com.