Why do men hate child support so much? I mean, on the one hand, I get it. No one wants to have to send money to their ex every single month. But, then again, not everybody has kids with their ex.
Child support is – literally – the absolute LEAST that a parent can do. And, let’s be real: compared with the costs of actually raising said child, child support is super minimal. In Virginia at least, the guidelines are rarely raised. They’re severely out of touch with the costs associated with raising a child in this day and age. They certainly don’t reflect inflation, the rising cost of living, or the cost of extracurriculars.
In fact, the only way to get money to care for your child above and beyond child support (unless your child’s father agrees to or a judge orders an upward deviation, both of which are rare) is if the child has extraordinary medical expenses. Unreimbursed medical expenses – those fees not covered by insurance – are paid pro rata by the parties, according to statute. Otherwise, you get what you get – and it’s not much.
But still, dads hate to pay it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve discussed child support with moms who are terrified at the revenge their child’s father will enact against them for daring to ask for child support.
I can’t tell you how many times a woman has told me that she doesn’t need it; that she can raise the child herself.
But, the thing is, child support isn’t for you. It’s for your child.
And your child deserves what you can provide for him – but he also deserves for his father to provide for him to the greatest extent of his ability. If you deny your child that, you’ve denied him the childhood he deserves. (And, if you’re really, really good without his money, then invest the child support or save it for college – because just THINK how that will enrich your child’s life and give him a better future than you could on your own!)
A lot of dads will say that, if you don’t ask for child support, they’ll just give you what your child needs. But, the thing is, that really doesn’t work in practice.
Is he expecting that you’re going to submit receipts? I need $60 for sneakers? I need $50 for school supplies? I need $150 for groceries, $90 for tball registration, and $10 for the field trip on Wednesday?
No way! He doesn’t deserve that kind of window into your life. He doesn’t get to decide what expenses are worth it and what expenses are not. He doesn’t get to grant and deny funding based on his own whims.
No – child support is an amount of money each month that is paid to you and then you decide what to do with it.
Many parents agree to share extracurricular expenses, or other extraordinary expenses of the child, in a particular way – but as far as the day-to-day is concerned, you should be able to take care of your child(ren) without his oversight.
Chances are, he’ll pay what he wants when he wants, but he won’t pay as much as he would with child support. And he may even give you hell over it! (And he can, too – because, without an order in place, you have no way to enforce his compliance with your requests!)
This is not going to be helpful for you. And, in any case, you shouldn’t have to ask permission to get what your child needs, or make a purchase not knowing whether your child’s father is going to make good on his promise. You don’t deserve scrutiny in your private finances or how you choose to spend money for the kid. What – do you need to ask him to take the kid to Chick-fil-A on a Friday night after his baseball game?
I’ll take this one.
No, no – you absolutely do not.
Get regular, court ordered child support in place. You won’t regret it.
For more information, to request a copy of our divorce or custody book for Virginia moms, or to schedule a consultation, give us a call at 757-425-5200.