The best parenting plans are always the ones that include just enough details to provide parents with a framework for how to move together through the inevitable challenges that coparenting will bring. The best parenting plans don’t just deal with the here and now – though they do a good job with it, because the beginning is often the hardest part – but grow with the child(ren) in the future and anticipate changes before they become an issue.
Even if your kids are young now, they will eventually become teenagers. And teenagers, in their way, present unique challenges. It’s important to proactively anticipate those changes so that you can set yourself and your coparent up for success. Just as much as those smaller milestones matter for little kids, there are milestones for older kids – and unique situations – that you’ll want to address before you’re left scrambling, fighting, or – worse – litigating more than necessary.
You’d rather pay for college, save for a wedding, or invest in a down payment on a home for your child than pay attorney’s fees, right? Although, I admit, I’m a mom, too, and I am trying to save for all of those things as well – but I don’t need you to bankroll it. At least, not if you can sidestep some of the more expensive, frustrating, time-consuming, and, ultimately, coparent-relationship-destroying things ahead of time.
It’s not like you and your coparent have to be best friends. That is probably unrealistic in the extreme. But you CAN have a really awesome parenting plan that allows you to be the kind of coparents you both want to be – though, of course, my interest is not in his experience as a coparent.
So, what should we include either for our existing teenaged kids – or for our younger kids who will inevitably become teenagers in the future?
Good question!
Teenagers are different. In general, at this point, we often relax enforced custody and visitation plans. If the kids are happy to go back and forth, that’s great, but it’s much harder to force someone with a driver’s license to be somewhere they don’t want to be. And, of course, the stakes are much higher – if they resent your choices too much, it can cause friction that can last into adulthood.
That doesn’t mean you give them complete free rein; they are still children and in need of guidance. But you also have to consider the schedules they’re juggling – not just schools and extracurricular activities (though often both of those), but jobs and maintaining age appropriate peer relationships. We often say that it’s good to hold on with an open hand, rather than force the specifics of a custodial relationship that isn’t working.
You could modify your existing parenting plan to reflect reality, but you could also just agree – informally – with your child’s other parent about what you will and won’t allow. If it’s new and they’re teenagers, you may prefer to start with something more specific in writing and even enforce it, but – of course – your kid(s) may have other ideas. In terms of maintaining relationships with them long term, it’s important to listen.
You will also want to communicate with your soon-to-be ex husband. If there’s one thing I know about teenagers, it’s that they’ll push boundaries. If they know that you and their other parent won’t speak, you’re liable to find yourselves both in a position where you think the child is at the other parent’s house – when, in reality, they’re actually getting into trouble. It is important – really, it is critical, from a safety standpoint – that, at a bare minimum, you know where your child is sleeping. Even if it is difficult, communicate. A simple, “Susie tells me she’s staying at your house tonight – all good?” will suffice. Just make sure you know where they’re sleeping!
Some other considerations:
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How will you share costs?
Teenagers are expensive. And they come with costs – like graduation caps and gowns, prom dresses and tuxedo rentals, yearbooks, SAT (and/or AP or other prep course) test fees and costs, class rings, college application fees, and more. If you want to share these costs, specify how in your parenting plan. Especially during a child’s junior or senior year of high school, these costs can mount.
It doesn’t have to be 50/50, either, though many people start out at that point. In Virginia, unreimbursed medical expenses are shared pro rata – so, proportionally, based on your incomes. This means that, if he earns 80% of the income, he pays 80% of those costs. You could include language like that here, too, especially if your incomes are massively different. Paying 50% on a larger expense might be an impossibility for you at a lower salary than it is for him at a higher salary.
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What about car insurance?
If you’re going to let your child drive, you’re going to want to talk about costs. Will you purchase a car? Cover car insurance? How will you share those costs? Likely, they will be in only one parent’s name, but talk about how you’ll share ownership and other costs.
If the car is in dad’s name but the child is driving it, will you help pay for car insurance, oil changes, gas, or repairs? Will you specify that, once the child turns 18 – or 25, or whatever – dad signs the car over to the child?
If the child is in a car accident, or gets a speeding ticket, who is responsible? If one parent is paying the car insurance, I think the default would be that the parent whose name is on the policy would be solely responsible for those charges. If that’s you, because you’re the default parent, you might want to make sure you specify in advance that you’ll share costs related to those all-too-likely teenaged scenarios. Court costs and fees? Attorneys – if the child is charged criminally for something related to an accident? The costs can mount and it can be a lot on only one parent, especially if you’re the lesser earner – or if accidents happen at dad’s house because of his lack of rules. Hey, it happens.
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Graduation tickets
At most high schools, you’ll only get a certain number of graduation tickets per kid – which can get tricky in larger blended family dynamics. How will you award tickets? Will you divide them half and half, or will you specify who gets priority (grandparents versus new spouse(s) and/or half or step siblings)? The best way to deal with these situations is head on, rather than in the moment when things are stressful. A half and half division may not be fair, but that also doesn’t mean that you should plan to take it as it comes.
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Photo ops, parties, and other important moments
Even if you’re the default parent, it could happen that a major milestone happens on the other parent’s time. What if he has every other weekend – but his weekend is prom weekend?
Make it easy on yourselves. Agree ahead of time that you will share date and time information for photo ops and other important moments. This can be as simple as sharing information and taking pictures before trick or treating on Halloween when your kids are little, but also should expand to include sharing information about when the group of kids is getting together at the local spot to take pictures before Homecoming, Prom, Ring Dance, or whatever other milestone event you’re celebrating.
If one of you will host a graduation or a birthday party on your parenting time, agree ahead of time to invite your child’s coparent, if you think you can stomach it. Nothing is quite as awkward as dueling graduation or birthday parties – and it can hurt the very child(ren) you’re trying to celebrate.
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Cell Phones
Sooner or later, the kids are going to get cell phones – and certainly by the time they’re driving. Lately, I have heard so many horror stories about parents who don’t allow their child’s other parent’s cell phone into their home, requiring, instead, that their child have two phones – one for each coparent’s custodial time. In extreme cases, I’ve even heard of parents refusing to allow the child to input contact information for the child’s other parent or stepparent into “their” phone.
Don’t do that. Or do, I mean, it’s your life and your kid. But a better way to handle it would be to share a phone (even share the expenses) and agree about its usage in your own homes, if possible. Even agreement regarding parental controls can go a long way towards ensuring harmony.
Is all of this always possible? Heck, no! There are some situations so high conflict that no well-intentioned parenting plan – or even the subtle whisper of a parenting plan – will not touch. But not every case is high conflict and even some cases that start out high conflict with calm with time (and an impeccably thoughtful parenting plan that addresses these questions in advance before they become World War II level conflicts that impact as many as eight distinct family units). But when it is possible, you are certainly better off to attempt to achieve whatever clarity you can through a well-drafted, thoughtful parenting plan designed to grow with your young children or – if your kids are already teenagers – meet them where they are, in the here and now. So many parenting plans speak mostly of the challenges of raising younger children, but teens have needs, too.
For more information, to request a copy of our custody book for moms, or to visit our website at hoflaw.com or give us a call at 757-425-5200.