It’s scary how common post-separation abuse is – but it’s something that we see over and over, even in cases where before separation there had never been any overt domestic violence.
I don’t want to be a fearmonger – gosh, nothing of the sort! – but I do want to encourage you to stay vigilant and, when your spidey sense tingles, to pay attention to it. For every victim of domestic violence, there was a first time.
For many women, this is connected to (or coincides with) divorce or separation, because it’s the first time your abuser can start to feel you slipping outside of their control.
Domestic violence can involve physical violence, but it doesn’t have to. For many victims of post-separation abuse, it doesn’t escalate to physical violence (after all, that would leave signs). Instead, we see elements of coercive control, including stalking. Or threatened stalking. Suggested stalking.
To you, it probably doesn’t much matter. It’s enough to make you feel unsafe in your own home and to make you feel like you have to constantly look over your shoulder. It can make you question your relationships, too – is someone passing him information to use against you? It makes you feel crazy because you don’t know where, when, or how he’ll try to stalk you, but you obsessively check security settings on your devices, manage your home security system’s features, or worry about what he knows that you don’t know. Is he hiding an AirTag somewhere? Is there a keystroke system installed on your computer? Does he know the password to some account somewhere? Are there cameras you don’t know about?
Technically speaking, stalking is a criminal act – and, as a result, a bit outside of my scope of expertise. Family law is not criminal, with the exception, maybe, of protective orders (which are sort of quasi criminal, but not fully criminal proceedings). In terms of proceeding against someone on a criminal charge, you’d likely have to involve the police – and then the state would decide whether to move forward with prosecution.
You’ll likely need evidence, though. Threats aren’t enough; at least, it’s not enough for a guilty verdict, a protective order, or even to finalize your divorce using cruelty or apprehension of bodily hurt as grounds. I know – the laws weren’t written by women, right?
You could use cruelty and apprehension of bodily hurt to FILE for divorce, without planning to finalize, and if you’re looking to conduct discovery, have a pendente lite hearing, or begin to move your case forward sooner rather than later, it can still be a smart move.
Whatever you decide to do, it’s always important to document the threats or the abuse that you’re experiencing and talk to an attorney about what you should do. Do not ever take threats in stride; you should always maintain a record of what has been happening. In an ideal world, you’d stop communicating over the phone or in person and, instead, focus on communicating – inasmuch as you absolutely must – only over email, text, or through coparenting apps (if you have kids in common) where the exchanges are recorded and can be used as evidence.
You could video record, too, and it’s probably better than nothing, but I think that him finding out that you’re recording might up the ante in terms of the likelihood that violence will become a part of the equation. Not only that, but a video recording often only tells a small part of the story. A written communication, on the other hand, can be followed forward or backward as necessary to whatever the conclusion is, reducing the possibility that a curated version of a video would be admitted to show something that, if we were to see the whole recording, it doesn’t actually represent.
If you’re really concerned – or other things are happening that make you suspect something more insidious is happening – you could have your car or your devices looked over for tracking or software that would help surveillance.
It’s smart to familiarize yourself, too, with how your devices work, especially if – for example – your child uses an iPad that is connected to your Apple ID, and that iPad goes back and forth between the houses. Things like Air Pods, too, can have location services turned on, so there are literally a million different devices in your home that could track you. The more you know, the more aware you can be.
Be careful who you confide in and what you share on social media, too. You may have a ‘mole’ amongst your friends who reports back to your soon-to-be ex or it’s possible that you’ve shared too much in a public forum. (When in doubt, it’s probably best to NOT share anything that relates to the divorce, separation, or custody case.)
Take any threats to your safety seriously. Call the police if you need to; talk to an attorney about a protective order. Document it all.
Unfortunately, this type of behavior is all too common. In most cases, it’s designed to make you feel crazy or unsettled, but in other cases, there’s a real, credible threat.
For more information, to schedule a consultation, or to get a copy of our divorce book for Virginia women, give our office a call at 757-425-5200.