I see this question *all* the time, especially on social media in the various mom groups that I have joined over the years. I never know exactly how to answer it – especially in few enough characters that most casual social media users won’t be bored by me writing an entire treatise – so I thought I might give it a go here.
To start, I’ll say this: it really doesn’t matter if he’s a narcissist, at least according to a textbook definition. Very few men are actually diagnosed as narcissists, mostly because most actual narcissistic people do not seek therapy.
But, yes, of course: I know what you mean. I understand what you’re saying about how difficult he is to deal with and, probably, what that means for your divorce or your child custody case.
I hear your fear and your frustration.
I would caution you, though; in general, it’s probably best not to use the word narcissist (and especially not on social media, where anything you say or do can come back to haunt you later). If you’re going to paint a picture for the court about your soon-to-be ex, best to describe his behavior (and let the court label him as narcissistic or chauvinistic or whatever other label might apply).
I’m also not legally allowed to call myself – or any of the other attorneys at the firm – experts in anything. It goes against our ethical rules. We can’t even say that we are experts in family law, or in representing women only, or in military divorce (which is a bread and butter kind of case for us). Unless there is a specific designation in Virginia for, for example, “expert in military family law practice,” we can’t call ourselves experts. (And, I’ll save you some research: there is no such expert designation available.)
So, let’s take that out. You need help in a divorce or child custody case with a former partner who may or may not be a narcissist (or have narcissistic tendencies) and you want someone who, though maybe isn’t allowed to call herself an expert in that particular practice area, has a lot of experience in dealing with cases like these and exes like that.
And here you are.
I’ll just say: you’re in the right place.
So, what should you do first if you’re preparing for a divorce (or a child custody case) where you believe your soon-to-be ex will make things particularly difficult?
That’s the thing about narcissists, right? They take something that could be relatively straightforward and they make it miserable.
Conflict? They love it. And you’re probably wary of it.
I think a key with cases that may be high conflict is to start out strong, from a position of power. A lot of women will try to negotiate a divorce, rather than litigate it, especially in the early stages. In part, of course, that’s because a negotiated divorce (or child custody case) costs less and gives you more control over the outcome.
But one of the dangers of taking this approach is showing him that you’re not all that serious and that he can monkey with things, rather than actually working towards a productive result. Lots of women will let their exes tell them, “Oh, I think we’re almost there,” and “Just a few more changes now,” until they’ve exhausted all their resources desperately trying to get an agreement in place. An agreement that, probably, he never intended to sign anyway.
Responding to him, instead, from a position of power is a not-so-subtle psychological move that shows him that you know how to take control and that you’re not afraid to do so. (Reality: you are likely terrified. But he doesn’t have to know that.) It also forces the case forward on a timeline that isn’t just his. You can set hearings and request discovery and, at this point, he has no choice but to respond.
Is it pricier than trying to work things out? Yes, but you should also keep in mind that if he becomes more agreeable later, you could still work out an agreement. For most people, that’s where this all ends up anyway.
This way, though, you spend your precious time and money working towards resolution and you don’t let him dictate timing or response.
It’s also important that the attorney you hire be someone with whom you can have difficult conversations, both about what to expect with your soon-to-be ex and how to prioritize moves for case strategy. If there are bad facts, disclose them. The more you share, the better – not only in terms of the money and time saved, but in the amount of time we have to prepare for them coming out in court.
I know, especially in the early stages, when you have a partner who will stoop to endless levels to make leaving and getting your fair share feel impossible, how difficult it can be. I do think, though, that you’re in the right place and asking the right questions. Find an attorney you like and can trust enough to have honest conversations with and that’s half the battle.
For more information, to request a copy of our divorce and child custody books, to schedule an appointment, or to register for an upcoming monthly divorce seminar, give our office a call at 757-425-5200.