Mental health struggles are real, but that’s especially true during a divorce or custody case – literally one of the most stressful events that a human being can live through. Most therapists (and I admit, I am not one – just a regular old “counselor at law”) compare the impact of divorce to experiencing the literal death of a spouse or close family member.
Whether you do or don’t feel that way isn’t the point; the point is that you are enduring a particularly difficult part of life. And, in many ways, though how you feel isn’t something you can control, you can make an active choice to take your own well being into your own hands.
Some parts of the process – like what, exactly, is involved and how long it ends up taking – are out of your control. That’s always the case in the law and in life; there is so much that we just can’t control. But even in acknowledging that we have a lack of control over some parts of our lives and the divorce or child custody process in general, we can accept control for the parts of our lives that are within our sphere of influence.
Your physical and mental well being are two important components that you CAN begin working on. Maybe you’ve done internal work before. Maybe it’s all new to you. But, either way, now’s a good time to work to re-center yourself and establish a baseline of wellbeing.
But can I see a doctor? What if my husband finds out?
From an attorney perspective, mental health is always a concern – especially as it relates to child custody. But there’s a big difference between someone going through something really difficult and struggling with mental health and having an undiagnosed and untreated mental health condition.
Erratic behavior or an inability to take care of the kids are major concerns – concerns that your soon-to-be ex-husband or your child’s father (or, more accurately, probably – their attorney) would definitely bring up. But I think that makes it MORE important to take care of it now, rather than later.
The worst cases are the ones where there’s a serious condition that isn’t being treated and it’s painfully obvious.
Yes, your mental health may come up, but anxiety and depression (or even, in some cases, something more serious) are not crimes and do not mean that you are not a fit parent. No, I do not think that you should let fear of the fact that you have sought treatment keep you from seeking it.
Can I take medication? Will this come up in court?
As someone who has dabbled in a variety of SSRIs, I can tell you that I don’t think that this is a problem – or even unusual. In fact, in one of our cases a couple years ago – not mine, I heard about it from another attorney – a judge told a husband to stop going on about his ex wife’s anxiety and depression. I’m paraphrasing here, but he said something like, “I take medicine for depression – do you think I’m unfit to do my job?”
In case you wondered, the only acceptable answer in this case – when the judge is actively sitting on your case – is “no, of course not, Your Honor.” Even if you think that maybe the judge is unfit, you should never tell him (or her) that in open court. Just saying.
Information regarding your treatment plans and diagnoses may be requested in discovery. Depending on the facts and circumstances involved in your specific case, you (or your attorney, if you’re represented by counsel) may be able to object to this information or have the court file sealed, but even if it came up in trial, I think the most important facts are that you know and you are doing something about it.
Does it depend on the medication or how you react to it? Sure. I’ve heard bad things about people on lithium based medications; not that they don’t help, but that they make the user lethargic and unlike themselves. You should be open and honest with your doctor about your medications and their impact on you. If you don’t like a medication, seek an alternative. Being in the process of finding the right balance for you is not a problem, nor do I think you should continue on with a medication that isn’t working just for the sake of looking like you’re following a treatment plan.
Treatment plans can adjust over time based on the needs of the patient. This seems obvious, but it’s also a difficult time and you might find that you’re doubting your own intuition. I hear that all the time, which is why I’m trying to spell it out for you.
What about talk therapy? Can my therapist then be subpoenaed?
Therapy is a great thing! I’m in therapy myself and have found it incredibly helpful. (Also, I do not think I am crazy; just a normal person dealing with a very modern level of stress.)
The same rules apply here. A treatment program is good. Following it is good. Trying to work through therapy in conjunction with (or instead of) medication is valid. If it’s helping, keep doing it. If it’s not, maybe try a different therapist before you give it up completely.
Yes, sometimes therapists are subpoenaed. But, generally, therapists are on their clients’ sides and they won’t divulge information that is designed to be harmful to you. Your attorney can also work with the therapist, if appropriate, to help them with preparing for direct and cross examination. Sometimes, therapists are downright impossible to work with – often on purpose. They’re there to help you, not to hurt you.
If you’re really worried, ask your therapist if she wouldn’t mind not taking notes beyond the most minimal documentation necessary for insurance purposes. Then, if she’s asked a question, she can say she doesn’t know or doesn’t remember. I would also ask that the therapist not use AI in her documenting practices, because it’s hard to know what, exactly, is being recorded.
In short, it’s not wise to not seek mental health (or even physical health) help because of the impact it might have on your case.
For more information, to schedule a consult, or to request a copy of our divorce or custody book, give our office a call at 757-425-5200.