It doesn’t happen all the time, but every so often I have a consultation with a woman who decides – for one reason or another – that she really can’t leave her marriage, no matter how much she’d like to. Why? There are a million reasons, but it often comes down to a couple of key components.
He won’t agree – ever – and she doesn’t have the resources for litigation.
There are only two ways to get a divorce – either the parties reach an agreement or they go to court. An agreement is the easiest, cheapest, most time effective way to resolve a divorce (or a custody case, for that matter), but it does require that both parties get on the same page about what the terms of their divorce will be. It requires (and this may be obvious) agreement to get an agreement in place.
That’s not to say that it’s easy to get an agreement in place. It often isn’t. It takes quite a bit of back and forth, and sometimes something like mediation or a settlement conference. But, eventually, an agreement must be realized. Otherwise, the other alternative is litigation.
Litigation is expensive. Wildly expensive. Especially if he’s opposing it and purposefully making things more difficult at each and every stage. It can easily run in the tens of thousands of dollars to bring a case to trial. The two “wild card” issues are usually child custody and spousal support, but – truth be told – even the simplest issue can exhaust most people’s relatively moderate divorce budgets.
If you can’t get an agreement and you can’t afford to go to trial, it’s hard to get a divorce.
He’ll insist on 50/50 custody and he’s just not safe.
Abusers weaponize litigation. If you’re a mother, the most intimidating threats are the ones involving your children. And if you know that he’ll weaponize custody litigation against you and that the kids won’t be safe during any parenting time that he might receive, you’re definitely less likely to move forward with divorce.
Which, of course, is exactly what he wants.
He’ll fight tooth and nail over spousal support and she can’t risk divorce without it.
Spousal support cases are hard because there’s no guideline formula that is binding in Virginia. When you have a spousal support case, too, you necessarily have a spouse with more resources and a spouse with less. This creates a situation where litigation can be weaponized to prevent her from asserting her right to claim the spousal support she might otherwise receive, just because she can’t afford to undertake the associated litigation. By making it hard, he effectively restricts her ability to do anything about it at all.
That can keep her stuck, too.
Which, again, is exactly what he wants.
But what can I do about it?
Well, I’m a lawyer. I am not a magician. I can’t make real magic happen and I can’t make money appear where it doesn’t exist, so the options are limited.
But it’s also worth talking to an attorney about what your specific goals are and trying to figure out whether it would be possible to reverse engineer a solution that would satisfy whatever is driving the conflict.
Would a postnuptial agreement be a possible solution? Could we propose a custody and visitation arrangement ahead of time that would make him less inclined to fight it? Does he – perhaps – not have the resources, either, and a heavier hand at the front end would convince him that it is in his own best interests to cooperate?
It’s not that we’d suggest doing something unfair to get the edge, but just trying to put you in a position to be successful in negotiating.
Some people do ultimately decide not to end their marriages. Their reasons are many and varied. But others who are determined to leave will sit down, work through the issues, and try to come up with a solution that will allow them to leave on their own terms. I’m not suggesting you should accept less than what you are legally entitled to receive, either. Still, it’s important not to take the first signs of resistance and decide that you’ll stay indefinitely because of it.
The only way out is through, but we can help you make it through. A full and frank consultation with one of our attorneys can help you figure out how to begin to move things forward. For more information, to schedule a consultation, or to read one of our free books for Virginia women, visit our website at hoflaw.com or call us at 757-425-5200.