If your soon-to-be ex husband (or your already ex-husband) has been verbally, emotionally, sexually, or physically abusive, it’s only natural to want to cut those ties at some point. From a therapeutic standpoint, it can make a lot of sense to go no contact. For most people, this includes blocking that person from contacting you – whether via phone or email or any other available channel. In some cases, it even involves more elaborate measures – like restraining and/or protective orders.
But, then again, we don’t only have a therapeutic standpoint to consider when there’s legal action involved.
If you don’t share minor children in common with your ex, it’s easier to go no contact. Once your divorce is finalized, you can ride happily off into the sunset and literally never speak to him again if that’s what you want. If your children are grown, too, there is less reason to communicate after divorce. After all, your responsibilities with respect to mutual coparenting have ended.
If you have children in common, though, it may not be as easy as just blocking him. You may not even really be able to go no contact to the degree that you might wish.
Let’s discuss.
Can I just block my ex?
As we’ve already said, it’s probably not a good idea to just block him if you have kids in common. Unless you have a court order or custody agreement in place that specifies exactly how you’ll communicate – like, it says that all communication will take place on a coparenting communication app, like Our Family Wizard, or similar – you will need to leave at least some channels of communication open.
After all, emergencies may arise and you may both need the ability to contact each other. Communication is important even beyond emergencies, too, in terms of handling the day-to-day logistics of managing children’s schedules (or even complicated coparenting arrangements).
He’s not trying to communicate. He’s just trying to abuse me.
An abuser doesn’t just communicate. I know that. If it were that easy, you wouldn’t be at the point where you’re hoping to go no contact with the father of your children. Right?
He’s using his access to you as a way to continue to abuse you. But that doesn’t mean that you can close all channels of communication.
The problem – from a legal perspective – is that custody and visitation is always modifiable based on a material change. Though Virginia doesn’t mandate 50/50 custody (and the law just says that the judge has to consider all forms of custody equally), the courts believe it is important for both parents to have as much access to the kids as possible.
Usually, even if dad hasn’t been the primary caregiver, he’ll still get parenting time, and a significant amount. When one parent ends up getting a lot more time than the other parent (and it’s not by mutual agreement of the parties), its often because they can’t coparent together. So, it’s not as much that you have to keep communication channels open because that communication is productive, it’s important because you want to show the judge that you are not the problem. When it comes to coparenting, you are willing and able to do it. He, instead, is the one causing the problem.
It’s hard to do that if he’s saying that he’s trying to communicate but that you won’t let him.
Look, I get it – he’s abusive and the communication is continuing a nasty pattern that makes your recovery very difficult – but when you block and unblock and re-block a person, it looks like you’re amplifying tensions, rather than diminishing them. It looks like you’re not willing to coparent.
In a court case, we want to paint a story for the judge. We definitely can’t discuss what’s going on in your life in as much detail, or with as much nuance, as we’d like. But we can show a pattern of behavior and your lawyers are going to want to be able to show that it is him, rather than you, who is causing a problem.
Yes, continued abuse is stressful. Overwhelming. Chaotic. Triggering, even. It’s a lot of things that are not healthy for you. But, in the short term, it’s going to be important that you withstand it and continue to respond minimally and productively to the parts of the conversation that are related to the kids.
Does that mean I can’t set any communication-related boundaries?
No, it doesn’t. You can ignore conversation that is not related to the kids, or end conversations if they take an unproductive turn. You can ask that he communicate in writing instead. You can ask for communication on a coparenting app. We can’t make him do this – he can call instead of text or email, or refuse to use the app – but asking and him refusing paints a picture for the court, too. The court could choose to order it, especially if the pattern of communication is obviously abusive.
For our part, the more abusive and crazy he seems, the better, especially if we can contrast with you being calm and reasonable.
I know it isn’t easy. But there’s a lot at stake in your legal case, too, and as much as we want to take care of your physical and mental health, we also have to take care of your divorce and custody case, too. A great deal of your healing will ultimately relate back to the terms of your divorce or custody agreement/court order!
For more information or to schedule a consultation, give our office a call at 757-425-5200.