Because of the tie to child support, it’s pretty common that dads will ask for more parenting time than they intend to exercise. Sometimes, they just won’t show up at all. In other cases, though, they’ll take their parenting time, only to ask someone else (usually, their mother or a new girlfriend) to watch the kids during their parenting time.
Sometimes, this is a blessing, of course. A new girlfriend or wife can be an ally and someone else to love the kids, even when mom isn’t around. She can make a house feel more like a home and give the kids more love and stability than they’d have had otherwise. A stepmom or new girlfriend isn’t necessarily a problem. (And, hey, mom needs a BREAK!)
But it isn’t always. Especially in a formerly abusive relationship or with a narcissistic partner, the new partner – the new supply – can be part of the problem, fanning the flames of a larger conflict.
Or maybe you just don’t know her yet. A new girlfriend may be a good thing eventually, but in the early days, it’s hard to say. You’d hardly leave your kids with some random stranger, and his new girlfriend feels little better than a casual stranger. Maybe these things can grow and develop in time, if handled appropriately, but you’re just not there yet.
So, what do you do?
Usually, an attempt to talk to him will be met with hostility, because he likes it this way. With his girlfriend there, he can bop in and out, seeing the kids here and there, but without actually taking on the work of the real parenting while also keeping his child support artificially low. What’s not to love?
Well, if you can’t get him to participate in the conversation, you have few options beyond going to court. Whether you can negotiate a new agreement about custody and visitation or whether you have to file a petition with the court, the ball is in your court.
In Virginia, you can modify an existing agreement whenever you want, but you can file petitions if there has been a material change in circumstances since the entry of the last order or negotiation of the last agreement. You can talk to an attorney one-on-one about whether a material change has taken place, but keep in mind that what constitutes a material change is going to be broadly construed depending on the impact of that change on the child(ren) involved.
I’d probably start with an attempt to modify by agreement.
There’s a lot more flexibility in what you can do by agreement than what you can achieve in court, so I’d start there. Not to mention, it’s often much less expensive and time consuming than going to court. If he won’t participate, there’s not much else you can do but, hey – it’s often worth a try.
I think you should consider adding in a first right of refusal provision. You don’t necessarily have to take away dad’s parenting time explicitly, but put in place a provision that says if one or the other of you isn’t able to care for the children for a specified period of time – whether one hour or two or five or eight or overnight – then the child’s other parent should be offered the time before ANY third party caregiver can be engaged. That can include his mom or new girlfriend, but also any other babysitters or daycare providers.
For most people, a quick run to the grocery store is one thing, but leaving them with a caregiver for a ton of hours each week when their other parent is willing and able and wanting to have the kids … well, that’s another thing entirely.
You may want to add in, too, that third parties not be responsible for carpooling or doing pick up/drop offs at school, either, especially if you don’t know them and aren’t familiar with their driving record.
Your second option – your Plan B, as it were – would likely have to include the possibility that this will go to court.
You can file petitions to modify custody, visitation, and child support. If at all possible, I’d try to show the judge (remember, show, not tell) how much parenting time he has versus how much he has been exercising. If you know, tell how much time has been in the care of this third party.
You may not have a leg to stand on if/when he remarries, but while she’s a new-ish girlfriend, the court may have some sympathy. We can sometimes get provisions restricting unrelated overnight guests as well as first rights of refusal. If there’s a ton of time that he had and wasn’t exercising, you can ask that visitation be changed, too.
In Virginia, child support is awarded retroactively, too – back to the date that you filed the petition. If custody changes and you’ve been doing it all along, you could ask that the judge award child support back to the date that you filed this petition.
You’ll definitely want to talk to an attorney about the specifics of your situation so that you can determine what options are available to you. For more information, to request a copy of our custody book for moms, or to schedule a consultation, visit our website or give us a call at 757-425-5200.