Choosing a family lawyer – any lawyer, really – is a difficult proposition, especially when you add to it the fact that, if you’re like most women, you are currently in the middle of one of the most difficult periods of your entire adult life. This relationship you built your life around, this one you thought would last forever, is crumbling around you. Reality has shifted. You’re wondering if you can trust your own judgment.
And now you have to make a potentially incredibly expensive and important decision – all at a time when you’ve never had less faith in yourself and your own intuition. And while finances and everything else is in limbo, too, so – let’s just say – it’s not a chill or carefree time.
Most of the time, when we’re making the decision to hire a lawyer, it’s during a stressful and overwhelming time, but there’s something uniquely painful about divorce and child custody because it speaks to the heart of what’s important to us in our lives. It also represents a change in most of the relationships and arrangements surrounding our lives.
So, how can you be comfortable hiring a lawyer, too?
It also probably goes without saying that it IS important to hire the right family lawyer – and not just any lawyer or the first lawyer you happen to meet with, especially if you have a little niggling thought in the corner of your brain that *maybe* this person isn’t the best fit.
It’s important to point out that, just because your relationship failed, this doesn’t mean that you aren’t a good judge of character or that you shouldn’t trust your intuition. In fact, I think – in general – your intuition is a very good thing to rely on, even if it didn’t clue you in to the fact that your marriage or relationship was ending. You have to give yourself some grace.
You can judge character – and you’ll want to – when it comes to your family law attorney. In fact, it’s critically important. So, let go of the other times that you feel you judged wrongly and embrace your critical thinking skills. Because hiring an attorney isn’t something that just happens to you; it’s the result of a series of decisions that you are currently making. These are big decisions!
You’re probably worried about a lot of things. You don’t want to be “mansplained” to by a holier-than-thou attorney who doesn’t really listen to you. You don’t want to spend a ton of money for nothing, or for something simple that you could have done yourself. You don’t want to be told how things are going to go; you want to be addressed, consulted, and feel a sense of empowerment over the decisions that are still within your control. You want to feel that there is someone in your corner to advocate for you – even to push you – when you aren’t able to advocate for or push for yourself. You want to feel supported and encouraged.
Hey, I get it. I’m human, too. I want to feel all – or most – of these things in a lot of my relationships, like with my doctor and therapist and CPA. All of the professionals I turn to as an adult, I want to feel like they really get it – get me – and that they’ll help steer me in the right direction. Yes, even if they have advice that I don’t want to hear or have to share information with me that I don’t particularly like. Heck, maybe even especially then! In those moments, it’s the strength of that relationship – the fact that I feel like I can like and trust them implicitly – that helps carry me through the harder moments. And in divorce, like in many areas of adult life, there are some harder moments.
It’s a good idea to be asking yourself questions throughout your time looking for and interviewing attorneys. I think this is good advice to remember in the context of dating, too. It’s not just a question of, “Will the attorney take my case?” It’s also a question of whether you want THIS attorney to take YOUR case. They’re not choosing YOU; you’re choosing them. Don’t get it twisted.
You are a valuable human being with a good heart and a vested interest in the outcome of your case. You deserve to work with someone who sees your worth and will help make sure that you are inching towards the best possible outcome. Does that mean everything will always work in your favor? Nope – especially not in divorce. In fact, we – that is to say, divorce attorneys – often joke that when everyone feels like they’re losing that’s when you know it’s a fair result.
It’s not entirely true, of course. There are clear wins and losses. But this isn’t a personal injury case where you have a concrete, visible, documentable injury and you’re suing an insurance company with deep pockets. It is two imperfect people trying to divide the things between them that they already have. There are no additional deep pockets so, unless you already had fairly deep pockets to begin with, it won’t feel like a windfall to you. It’s a hard reality to adjust to, and not just for you. Across the board!
Ask yourself whether this attorney listens to you. Whether, even in your first consultation with her, she’s asking questions. Participating in the conversation. Giving you information about how the law works – whether that’s good or bad for your case – and helping you come up with potential strategies to address it. Do you feel comfortable admitting hard truths? Are you avoiding saying some things because you feel embarrassed or because you feel like the attorney won’t react well to the truth?
A big red flag – one of the biggest, in my opinion – is when a client feels like she can’t tell the truth to her attorney. Because, as the attorney, I know how badly we need the whole truth and how much (and how quickly) a case can go sideways when we don’t have the information we need to effectively advocate. An open, honest relationship is critical, but so, too, is a dynamic that allows you to feel comfortable being open and honest.
We have to talk about some sensitive topics – from the health of your marriage to your sex life, your parenting, and even your finances. It’s probably more than you share with your best friend or even your therapist. At the very least, it’s shared in a different context. If your attorney isn’t someone you can admit it all to, then maybe it’s not the best fit.
I’m not saying your attorney has to be like a therapist. We’re attorneys and counselors at law, but – don’t get it twisted – we’re not therapists. It isn’t necessarily a relationship where you leave the table feeling like your attorney is your best friend. Sometimes, it’s a tough love kind of relationship. But the point is that you can be honest and you feel like you can trust the attorney to be honest back and to give you the advice you need to get your best possible outcome – which may or may not include steps or advice that you wanted to hear.
A relationship built on honest and mutual trust is critical – and it’s something that you should have some insight into from your first conversation. Listen to your intuition!
For more information on hiring an attorney or to request a copy of our book on hiring an attorney (or not), visit our website at hoflaw.com or give us a call at 757-425-5200.