A protective mom is one who take action, particularly in a child custody case, to protect her child from harm. Though protective moms are sometimes reviled in the media as helicopter moms, unnecessarily over-protective women who interfere in their children’s lives, in the custody context they are often the only ones speaking out about the abuse their children have faced.
It’s not an easy thing to do. Parents have rights and, among those rights, the right to parent their own children as they see fit, is strong. Absent very, very strong evidence of abuse – which is often difficult and/or impossible to find – the court is often reluctant to intervene and withhold, restrict, or supervise parenting time from a perpetrating father.
I say father versus mother, of course, not just because I represent women only but because, statistically, it is often the father – perpetrating father is not a term I coined – who behaves abusively. Children are more often killed in custodial disputes at the hands of their fathers and it is most often men who perpetrate post-separation abuse, coercive control, and domestic violence. Home is, statistically speaking, one of the most dangerous places on earth for many women and children.
I don’t say that to be alarming, but only because both my experience and the research demonstrate that this is true.
But abusers don’t go down without a fight – sometimes, a knock-down-drag-out fight – it feels like – to the near-death of their opponents.
It is very common, for example, when abuse allegations are alleged, for perpetrating fathers to make retaliatory parental alienation allegations against their children’s mothers. Even more alarmingly, in many of those cases, these abusive dads WIN.
Ultimately, much of it comes down to biases, sometimes unconscious, that are held by judges, Guardians ad litem, therapists, attorneys, and others, and which represent larger biases held by society. We revere mothers until we revile them; we believe they’re these self-sacrificing, noble creatures until they oppose more powerful forces, and then we switch from believing them to be saintly to calling them control-driven, money-grubbing, overprotective, and dramatic. Protective moms are in a near-impossible position.
It’s a pedestal – until it’s not – and the tumble down from on high is enough to destabilize even the most mentally well person. (And, look, I’m sorry to say it, but, statistically speaking, after having endured abuse yourself or watched the abuse of your child, you are probably not in the most mentally well period of your life.)
These cases are incredibly difficult. We need evidence. In fact, without evidence, it’s likely not even worth raising allegations because abusive dads – particularly when coupled with the “silver bullet” strategy of raising parental alienation allegations in retaliation – are two times as likely to win custody in these scenarios.
Protective moms often have to make the choice between raising allegations – and protecting their children – and not in order to keep as much time as possible with their children. After all, even if the kids have to see an abusive dad, it’s best for them to have as much time as possible with their safe parent – whereas, if you raise abuse concerns too early, without evidence, you run the risk of losing custody and, with it, all of the parenting time that you had where you could keep your child(ren) safe.
Let me be clear: I am a firm believer that parental alienation is junk science. Even though this is a somewhat controversial opinion, it shouldn’t be. Parental alienation is not recognized by the WHO, the APA, nor does it exist as a diagnosis in the DSM-IV, the diagnostic manual that doctors and therapists use. You can’t tell a child who has been “alienated” from one who is legitimately estranged – because, of course, children who have been abused often don’t want to have relationships with their abusers. No one can LOOK at a child and just tell whether a parent has been “alienated” (I hate that word) or whether the estrangement is the natural consequence of unacceptable, abusive behaviors. No one, not a judge, a Guardian ad litem, a so-called expert witness, or whoever can simply look at a person, or analyze a situation, and tell. The problem is, though, that they think they can.
From a psychological perspective, though I will tell you at the forefront that I am not a psychologist or mental health professional myself, an abuser will likely stay calm and rational under pressure, making him look as though he is not, in fact, the problem. The abused – women and children – often seem more volatile, more emotional, and, therefore, less trustworthy. “She’s crazy,” is something I hear all the time. “She just wants to keep me from the kids.”
If you have a case involving physical or sexual abuse, or concerns regarding parental alienation claims being made against you, visit our website, request our free reports, grab a copy of our custody book for Virginia moms, or, even better, consider making an appointment. I don’t mean to alarm you, but it is very likely that you will need help navigating these issues. These are some of the most emotionally driven, difficult, and easy-to-lose child custody cases out there. You’ll want help on your side. Give our office a call at 757-425-5200 to schedule a consultation.