Single moms are always under a lot of pressure. For one thing, life – and parenting – is hard. For another, they’re constantly subject to the judgment of others.
One way I see this play out – unfairly, in my opinion – to the detriment of mothers and children is in how other people like to comment on the choices the mother has made or is making and tell her how, in their opinion, she’s somehow not supporting dad’s involvement in the child’s life. As though it is singlehandedly up to her to make sure that dad plays as strong a role in the child’s life as possible!
Dads, all too often, play into this. They garner sympathy with others by telling them how their child’s mother refuses to allow their involvement in their child’s lives, never mind the fact that dad takes little initiative on his own.
But, maybe, that’s neither here nor there.
What I wanted to talk about today is phone (and, sometimes, video) calls and, specifically, how frequently they take place.
There are no hard and fast rules about what’s in a child’s best interests. In Virginia, as in many states, we’ve codified a set of ten factors that, in the view of the judiciary, reflect what is in a child’s best interests. Each decision regarding child custody, visitation, and child support is looked at through the lens of these factors and a judge, often assisted by a Guardian ad litem, makes a decision about what – in THIS case, based on THESE facts – is in THIS child’s best interests.
Unless and until there is either a custody agreement or court order in place, there are no real rules regarding custody and visitation; mom and dad have custody equally and both have the ability to do what they like with the child, including making day-to-day decisions for the child while he or she is in their care.
Phone calls, especially during the child’s other parent’s parenting time, can be an important way for a non-custodial parent (or a lesser custodial parent) especially to keep in touch with the child. Video calls, too, have made staying in touch – and really building a connection – even easier than ever before.
The problem, though? These phone calls or video chats can easily be weaponized. They can become harassment in their own right, as an abusive dad calls his ex-partner’s phone repeatedly under the guise of just wanting to communicate with his child. Video calls, rather than being a moment where dad tries earnestly to connect with the child, can become a way of affirmatively gathering evidence and spying on mom within the bounds of her own home.
These calls, unless there’s a court order or agreement in place, can take place at any time of day. A lot of times, we’ll put in an agreement – and sometimes in a court order – when the calls should take place, and that can give some guidance, but without that in place, dads seem to feel like they can do what they want when they want.
It seems like the rest of the world often thinks this, too. After all, who cares if dad sends mom a million abusive texts? If he’s trying to pry into her life to see whether she’s home or … somewhere else? To see what the condition of her kitchen or her living room is? To set her up by calling when he knows she’s not available, just so he can offer evidence to the court of all the times he attempted contact but was unable to reach his kid?
A woman asked me the other day whether her child’s father could call every day; whether this kind of behavior is, objectively, considered reasonable. I think there are a number of ways of looking at it, and a lot is going to depend on the type and character of mom’s relationship with dad. If it was or is abusive, then calling, texting, or video chatting every day is probably excessive and may even be significantly detrimental, even if the child enjoys or looks forward to these calls.
If theirs is a good relationship, it’s probable that these calls can happen without disruption. Mom can answer the call in the car and let dad chat happily to the child as they head to baseball practice, the grocery store, or to school. A lot of things are fine if the underlying relationship is fine and, at least basically, respectful.
All too often, though, this is not the case. And, in those cases, I would say that it is not appropriate to call every day, or to call multiple times a day. Even without a custody agreement or court order in place, if I were the mom, I would be suggesting alternatives. “We’re not free today, but maybe Monday night? About bedtime? I’ll have little Jack give you a call just before story time.”
It’s risky to say no, categorically; you don’t want to look to the court like you’re not facilitating this relationship (and, if he’s abusive, you already know he’s gathering evidence to use against you, whether in conversation, with your friends and family, or in court). You may not have an agreement or order in place, but that doesn’t mean you can’t set boundaries.
“If you’re going to speak to me this way, I am going to end the call,” can work too. You are not obligated to stay on the phone as long as he wants or pick up the phone whenever he calls just because you share a child in common.
In relationships where the parents are not cooperatively coparenting, or where he’s effectively counterparenting, it’s not unreasonable to suggest that no phone calls take place – and to work towards getting a court order or signed custody agreement that reflects this priority. Sure, it has the downside of not allowing you to speak to the child on dad’s time, but – if it’s true counter parenting – the phone calls may be more disruptive than positive or productive anyway, even for the child.
I think every night is a lot to expect, but something more along the lines of 2-3 times a week is reasonable. In every scenario, I prefer to have a specific order or agreement in place, rather than leaving things up to the parties.
For more information or to schedule a consultation about your custody and visitation concerns, give our office a call at 757-425-5200.