In Virginia, joint legal custody means that coparents have to work together to reach decisions on three main issues: non emergency medical care, education, and religious upbringing. In many cases, we don’t have any issues in any of these three areas though there are some notable exceptions. Sometimes, the issue of vaccinations comes up; in other cases, there are disputes about public versus private school, or even in person schooling versus homeschooling.
Religious practice, too, can sometimes be an issue, and that’s the subject I intend to address today.
What happens if he and I don’t practice the same religion?
It happens sometimes that both parents aren’t of the same faith background. Most of the time, though, these different religious observances aren’t an issue. In fact, in most cases where religion is a central issue, one or both of the parents were already observing their particular type of level of religious practice long before there was a custody case.
Just because your child’s father disagrees with your religion, practices a different religion, or would prefer that your child not be an adherent to any particular type of religious belief does not mean that the court will prevent you from worshipping in your way on your parenting time.
In general, in the vast majority of cases, both parents’ religious (or non religious) beliefs and practices will be respected. You are usually welcome to practice your religion, and to involve your child(ren) to whatever degree, during your parenting time. The court will not, though, insist that your child’s father return the child to you for church services on his time or require that he attend services or practice in the way you’d prefer during his parenting time.
Likewise, he could not force his faith or his level of practice on you, or require you to observe specific religious holidays or practices with your child on your time.
The fact that you are Christian and that he is, for example, Jewish or a Muslim or something else entirely probably does not mean that either of you will face significant restriction on your ability to practice your religion – and include your child(ren) in that practice.
Are there exceptions? Is it possible that the court would get involved in a coparent’s religious practice?
It’s possible! If the religion were particularly extreme – think: cult – it’s possible that the court would get involved and order or prohibit one coparent from involving the child in that practice.
The court will not – will never – order that you or your child’s father can’t practice your religion, whatever religion that may be, but it could prevent the child’s involvement if it felt that what was being asked or required was not in the child’s best interests. This would have to be something really extreme, though; so extreme, in fact, that I don’t feel comfortable even giving specific examples.
If you wanted to make an argument, though, or if your child’s father wanted to make an argument, that a particular type or category of religious practice was appropriate, that’s what you’d need to focus on: how that particular practice is not in the child’s best interests and why. Ideally, you’d also have evidence, witnesses, and exhibits to back up your beliefs.
What if he’s practicing a brand new religion?
It helps a lot of the religious practice was established before custody became an issue, but – sometimes – that isn’t the case. All the time, new people find religion and change their lives around it. That’s not necessarily an issue. It isn’t as though, if they never were religious before, that prevents their becoming religious in the future. It doesn’t.
Religious practice is more readily accepted by the court if it was practiced before the custody case for a simple reason: it wasn’t an issue then. Of course, even a long-established religious practice could become more severe or somehow problematic; nothing prevents you from raising that issue, just because your ex-partner practiced in a less extreme way before you split.
A new religious practice might be a little bit different, but it isn’t necessarily. No matter what, the standard is the “best interests of the child,” so that’s the lens through which the court would consider any petition(s) related to religious practice or observation. I do tend to find that sudden or later-in-life conversions are more extreme, so – if that’s your concern – that would certainly be something to raise with the court.
What if he tells me I can’t take our child to church anymore?
If your child’s father is suddenly telling you that you can’t practice your religion, whether new or longstanding, I’d probably keep going with the child on my parenting time. If he wants the court to review the issue, he could file a petition to address it. I wouldn’t bring the petition myself; I think it’s probably likely that he’s complaining, rather than actually being willing to do something about it. As long as you know that your practice is normal, healthy, and beneficial for the child, you likely have nothing to worry about, even if he did bring a petition.
There’s nothing I can do to stop a father – or that he can to do stop you – from exercising his right to access the courts. He can petition for custody, ask for a modification, or file a show cause, if he believes the circumstances warrant it. So can you, of course. If the litigation has become vexatious – if, basically, you believe he’s doing it to harass or intimidate you or to cause you financial harm – that’s definitely something to address with an attorney. I will say it’s fairly rare that the court will restrict or enjoin someone from filing additional motions or petitions, but it does sometimes happen, especially if it’s particularly egregious and abusive.
Chances are very good that you will be able to continue to practice your religion – with and without your child(ren) – even after a divorce, separation, or breakup, even if your child’s father makes an issue out of it. Likewise, chances are also good that your child’s father will be able to practice his own religion, too, with and without the children. You won’t be required to follow each other’s preferences during your own parenting time, though. If you’re concerned about it, or about what your child’s father is doing, talk your concerns over with an attorney to decide whether (or not) to litigate the issue.
For more information, to request a copy of our free custody book for Virginia moms, or to schedule a consultation, visit our website at hoflaw.com or give us a call at 757-425-5200.