Question: My child’s father and I separated and he stayed in the marital home. Our kids go back and forth. This week, my daughter came back to my new place after spending a weekend at dad’s. She cried and told me that dad had taken down all of our family photos. She was really upset and kept saying that we weren’t a family anymore. Should I raise this issue with him? I don’t care if he keeps our pictures up, but aren’t family photos good for kids to see? What should I do?
It’s true – kids seeing photos of themselves and members of their family is good for them and their self-confidence as they navigate the world. Especially if those pictures have always been there, taking them down, especially if the context was ugly, could easily have a very strong negative impact on a child, particularly a sensitive one.
Unfortunately, though, I don’t think there’s much you can do about what does or does not go on at dad’s house. He is free to decorate the way that he sees fit and, if he wants to take pictures off the wall, he certainly can.
Whether you talk to him or not is a personal decision and I think I’d look to the larger relationship for answers. Is it high conflict? Is every suggestion met with resistance? Do you think that if you share your daughter’s confidence that he will speak with her, potentially upsetting her more? Or do you think that he’ll be reasonable, consider the impact, and potentially even make a change that makes your daughter – and her sense of family – feel more recognized and supported in the home?
And then, otherwise, all you can do is manage your own home. I’m not saying that you need to place a wedding picture over the mantle, but I wouldn’t get rid of them. Kids often tell their parents during and after divorce that they like to see them. Probably, especially if things are difficult now, they want to imagine that they were born out of love. That, even if they can’t see it now, there was a time where they were conceived, wanted, and born into a happy family.
Over time, what families display on the walls in their houses change. Baby pictures give way to school aged kids; eventually, graduation or wedding photos take pride of place. I don’t think you have to stay stuck in the past for the kids, but a slower evolution will help them keep their sense of family and also allow you to display images that feel reflective of your current reality. Yours is a new place, not the family home, so I think this will feel a little different in an entirely different physical space. Maybe confine pictures of the family, or of dad himself, to the child’s room.
In fact, in a contested custody situation, this is advice we give to moms anyway. A picture of dad in the child’s room – unless there’s an issue with abuse and this would not be appropriate – is one way to show your determination to put the children’s needs first and essentially give them permission to love you both.
I don’t have any of the family pictures! They are still at dad’s. Can I get those in the divorce?
When you left, you may not have been able to take everything you wanted or needed. That’s true in so many cases! As the divorce goes through, we’ll address all those things – and sometimes family photos are something we address.
What I like to do, when it is an issue, is put a provision in the separation agreement that one person will get custody of the physical photos, hard drives, and any other photographs – albums, etc. I like for this person to be my client, because then she can make sure she has everything she wants.
Then, she agrees to make digital copies of everything for the other parent and provide it to him on a jump drive. Is it a lot of work? Sure. But if you rely on him to do it, will you get all the photos? Exactly, right?
As the custodian of the photos in my own family, I would personally rather do the work to make sure that I had all the pictures that I might ever want. I wouldn’t want to risk losing access to anything.
It’s not perfect – nothing ever is – but it’s one of the best ways I know to make sure that the kids are surrounded by love and a strong sense of family.
It was brave of your child, not to mention emotionally intelligent, to come to you with these feelings. And, although you may not be able to do anything about what happens at dad’s house, you can control how you react to it. If you react slowly, calmly, and in a way that keeps your child’s best interests at the forefront, you’ll never go wrong.
A well placed family photo, or even a solo photo of dad, can go a long way. It’s little comfort, maybe, when you feel the other parent isn’t going to the same level of effort to ensure their well being, but studies have repeatedly shown that one healthy home does a tremendous amount of good.
For more information, to schedule a consultation, or to get a copy of our child custody book, give our office a call at 757-425-5200 or visit our website at hoflaw.com.