For most moms going through a divorce or separation, their kids are their first, last, and pretty much only concern. Especially in the early days, they wonder how to talk to their kids about their divorce or separation (particularly when they don’t know and don’t have all of the answers themselves), how to help them weather the transition, how to manage the dysregulation that often comes from switching between households, and – of course – how to handle custody and visitation, including modification(s) that may come up over the years as things change.
It’s a lot, and, well, you’re only human if you’re feeling overwhelmed by it all. Just because you know your marriage needs to end (or even if you had no choice in the matter but it somehow seems to be ending anyway) doesn’t mean that you’re not worrying about the damage that you’re inflicting on the little hearts that depend on you.
Hey, it’s okay. I know, I know – the prevailing wisdom is that kids are resilient, but, then again, we see the hurt show up in our kids every day, so you may also be wondering… how can they be that resilient? And, anyway, most (?) of us are on SSRIs and in therapy, anyway, so how resilient can kids even be?
You can drive yourself crazy. You can worry all night long. You can talk to your kids’ teachers, pediatrician, therapists, sports coaches, and more (and, hey, it probably can’t hurt), but – at the end of the day – you also have to be kind to yourself. You have to take care of yourself.
You know the old adage about the oxygen masks in the airplane? You can’t put your kids’ masks on first; you have to put YOUR mask on first. Because, if you pass out because of lack of oxygen, you aren’t able to help anybody.
And, sure, some kids don’t fare well after divorce. Some kids have parents who fight like cats and dogs for years. But, if you take the time to do the research, you’ll see that studies have shown a lot of things over the years: that most kids return to a baseline level of happiness within a year following the divorce and suffer no long term adverse outcomes, that kids who have friends and peers with similar families do better, that it’s not divorce but the level of acrimony between the parents that causes damage, that one healthy parent is enough for most kids to be okay, both now and later in life, and so much more. (Seriously, do the research; read the studies!)
You can do a lot of things to help your kids weather this transition, but one of the best things you can do it take care of yourself so that what you’re modeling for them is healthy and well adjusted. They’ll take their lead from you, so if you’re struggling – the transition will be harder on them, too.
That’s not to say, of course, that you aren’t allowed to feel your *very* real feelings around divorce and/or separation. You are! You should! Sadness, confusion, and even grief are normal and natural, and not something that you necessarily have to hide from your children. But spiraling because you’re worried about the impact on the children to the point that you are too grief stricken to show up for them – that’s what is counterproductive. You see the difference?
The moms whose children weather the transition the best are the ones whose mothers give them the space to feel their feelings, encourage them to discuss them, who actively work through solutions to problems, and who share with them – in an age appropriate way – what they need to know.
Some important messages to share:
- Mommy is still mommy, and daddy is still daddy.
- The divorce is about mommy and daddy; it is not your fault. Nothing you did or didn’t do made this happen.
- Mommy and daddy aren’t a good fit anymore, but mommies and daddies are never a bad fit with their kids.
- You can share your feelings and questions with me. They are important and you are important.
- We don’t have all the answers ourselves yet, but we will share with you what you need to know when we know it ourselves.
- We are still working through some of the harder parts of this, but we will both always love you.
It is a huge, difficult, overwhelming transition. But you can help your kids get through it in a healthy, productive way.
For more information about custody cases, including what to expect, give our office a call at 757-425-5200 or request a copy of our custody book for Virginia moms here.
