Family law cases – often involving divorce, child custody, child support and spousal support – are often very invasive. In discovery, the legal process that we use to determine what the issues are in an ongoing case that has been filed with the court, we often ask for all sorts of documents.
In a divorce case, we’re often looking at tax returns, W2 statements, pay stubs, bank and investment account information, and more. When custody is an issue, we may be looking at things like where you live, who you live with, your physical and mental health, and so on. It can be incredibly personal and can ask that you divulge details that you are not exactly comfortable sharing.
Not only that, but sometimes the other party is involved with someone else that you’d prefer not to have access to this information, like your soon-to-be former in laws or his new girlfriend or wife. It’s one thing to share these documents for the purpose of using them in your case, but it’s quite another to have them shared willy nilly with third parties. Right?
We can’t control what he does. We can’t control if he involves third parties in his meetings or negotiations with lawyers. In many cases, our own clients do, too – whether they involve their parents, friends, adult children, or, even, new partners. To some extent, this is the prerogative of the person involved.
In other cases, though, the involvement of third parties can make issues worse. “Flying monkeys” – third parties involved in abusive cases – can exacerbate post separation abuse, further coercive control, and even create a “child and mother sabotage” (CAMS) situation. I get it. I’ve seen it. In fact, I think we’ve all been there.
So, what can you do?
Well, discovery raises all sorts of issues, of course – the chief among them being that no one wants to disclose their information first or do it fully. It is quite common for one or both sides to object to the information being requested or to refuse to provide the documentation in its entirety.
We often redact some details or provide only that which we feel is the most likely to yield admissible evidence (because that’s the standard for what can be requested in discovery). You can ask for the moon, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get it, you know? The moon is probably not relevant in your divorce.
Some information is more prejudicial than probative – like, perhaps, your mental health records. We could object to providing those or provide them only under seal (meaning that they’d be provided but ultimately protected by the court). If one party objects and refuses to provide the discovery, it’d be up to the other party to file a motion to compel those documents to be provided – and then, ultimately, up to the judge to decide whether (or not) those documents must be provided.
These are definitely important conversations to be having – on an ongoing basis – with your attorney. Depending on what has been requested, what documents actually exist, and what your concerns are, there may be a specific course of action designed to protect the disclosures you want to avoid. There isn’t always; to some extent, a mutual exchange of information is part and parcel of a family law case.
That’s not to say that it’s not abusive or that an already abusive person doesn’t have abusive intentions behind the information that he requests or what he does with it once he has it. In that instance, I think the best thing that you can do is document the continued attempts at abuse and harassment – both that which is practiced by your child’s father or your soon-to-be ex and that which is perpetrated by any third parties he chooses to involve in your litigation.
It may be possible to remove or exclude a third party from a hearing, too, or to ask that they not receive visitation with minor children. It’s definitely worth having a conversation with your attorney about your specific concerns and how best to address them.
For more information, to schedule a consultation, or to request a copy of our divorce or custody book for Virginia moms, give us a call at 757-425-5200.