While things are pretty go, go, go for us through most of the year, there’s no question that – sometime round about the fourth quarter – there’s a slowdown, too. The reality is that most people don’t really want their divorce or their child custody case to be at the forefront during the already exciting and overwhelming holiday season. So, they wait.
But, no matter what, if a divorce or custody case is on the horizon – or if you sort of started up but you’re in a holiday season pause – you already know that there are going to be a lot of details to work through.
The holidays are, in a lot of ways, some of the most emotional decisions that parents have to make. On top of working through a parenting plan and recognizing that a certain amount of time is now going to be split between two separate homes, you realize that you’ll have to, in all likelihood, divide at least some of the prime holiday real estate.
It’s probably not reasonable, for example, to expect your child’s father to never have a Christmas morning. But, then again, the idea of missing a Christmas morning may be unbearably painful for you to consider, especially right now.
I’m a mom, too, so I feel like I can say this with love. We love to torture ourselves. Every year at back to school time, they’ve never looked so big. With every year, with every candle added to the birthday cake, we realize how much has changed since the day they were first put in our arms. With every special holiday milestone, we realize just how few there are left. How they’ll never again be so little. How we only get one shot at this crazy, messed up, overwhelming experience that is parenthood.
And we can be overwhelmed by it, but we also – mostly – love it. Or, at least, we love our little people. And we love to guilt ourselves about all the ways that we haven’t measured up to this invisible standard we created.
I see so much of that in child custody and visitation cases. The realization of the amount of parenting time that each will receive – and how that will impact treasured holiday moments – can be filled with grief. It’s natural. It’s normal. But, like anything else, there’s a way forward.
It may not look like what you imagined but – and I promise you this – it will be okay. Let’s talk about it.
Dividing holiday parenting time
It’s no fun to think about dividing up the parenting time, especially if you’ve never had to share it before. But, at the same time, holidays are ultimately little more than dates on a calendar that we all agree to make magical for one reason or another.
Just because you trade off a Christmas morning in alternate years doesn’t mean that you can’t do your own Christmas morning on December 26th. It doesn’t mean you can’t start an entirely new tradition.
I know, I know – you’ll say, ‘but it’s not the same!’ And it’s probably true that, if you’re only focused on what you’ve lost, that’s true. But if you focus all your time and energy on making the space that you do have magical – and celebrating all those holiday moments in that time – you can make it feel just as magical. If not to you, on the first year, as for the kids, well, that’s okay. Some of the magic is lost in being the grownup tasked with creating it. But I do think that, over time, as everyone adjusts, anything – and I do mean anything – can become something that you all look forward to.
I say this as someone who often celebrates holidays at unorthodox times because of scheduling and family-related constraints. I don’t want to burden you with the difficulties of my own family life, but suffice it to say that I have made these concessions myself. I often find that they are way more difficult for me to imagine than for my kids, who will eagerly write letters to Santa to advise him of the changed dates (after all, this makes things much easier on Santa, who would otherwise have to accommodate everyone on the same night) and then anticipate it all with the same joy that they would have on the morning of the 25th.
A date on a calendar is just that – a date on a calendar. And while you may feel the loss of a particular day, there’s nothing to say that you can’t celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, or whatever other holiday on any day that you like. Sure – it’s a little more challenging with the religious significance of some of these events, but, still, you can find a way to honor both religious and cultural significance while still finding a balance with your coparent.
You have to. You know?
The alternative is missing things. Cancelling events. Not celebrating. And while I know it’s not ideal to divide up holidays, it’s also not ideal to cancel them entirely.
It may require some creativity and flexibility on your part. It may not *feel* the same, especially in the first year or two that you dabble in your alternate arrangement. You may look so much more forward to the years you get to celebrate on the *real* holiday. (And, of course, on the years you don’t have the kids, you’ll need to figure out a way to spend your childfree time on an actual holiday, which is also a challenge!)
Yes, chances are, you will have to divide up some of the holiday time – unless, by some miracle, your child’s father would prefer to keep the same arrangement year after year. This can happen, sometimes, if the two sets of families (his family versus your family) celebrate differently. Maybe Christmas morning and brunch is your family’s “prime time,” but maybe his family does a big Christmas Eve thing. In that sense, you could divide up and prioritize the time that is most important to each family each year. It would mean you never have a Christmas Eve, but you may always get Christmas morning.
There’s no right or wrong, except that – in all likelihood – you and your child’s father will need to reach an agreement. If you go to court, the judge will almost certainly order that the time be split. I have seen many different arrangements, but usually in court the custody and visitation provisions are much more broad strokes, meaning that, for example, one parent will get from the day school lets out until Christmas day at noon, at which point the child’s other parent will keep the kids from noon until school is back in session.
You should consider your options and feel free to be creative. After all, your parenting plan is unique to you and should reflect your family’s specific priorities.
For more information, to request a copy of our divorce book for Virginia women, or to register to attend an upcoming seminar, give us a call at 757-425-5200 or visit our website at hoflaw.com.