It’s hard to get generalized divorce and custody advice because no two cases are exactly alike. It’s hard, too, to give generalized advice. In a lot of blogs and articles, I talk generally about divorce or custody cases. But if yours is a high conflict case, you may feel like the generalized advice doesn’t fit your situation at all – or, worse, that if you followed that advice, you might find yourself in a worse spot.
Please understand, from the beginning, that although I use the phrasing “high conflict,” I don’t mean to imply that both parties are equally to blame. I know that a high conflict case can involve only one (and often does involve only one) high conflict personality, whether because of addiction, mental illness, or general obnoxiousness.
I do not think you are equally to blame, but I do think that the label is probably the best one I have to describe a certain category of case. If the label is triggering for you, please accept my apologies in advance.
Many of the solutions we describe are not ones that are specifically catered to high conflict cases. Most of the cases we handle are not high conflict, though I think it’s safe to say that all of us will have at least a few going on at any particular point in time.
So, what works in a non-high conflict case that doesn’t work in a high conflict case?
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Negotiation
Oftentimes, high conflict cases will settle, just the same as non-high conflict cases. But, over the top attempts to settle or negotiate a case will fall on deaf ears in a high conflict case. It’s often better to opt for an early show of strength, rather than to waste too many of your trust account dollars on futile attempts to negotiate.
One of the worst positions to be in is one where you’ve exhausted all your resources trying to settle and, then, when it becomes clear that negotiation is fruitless, you have nothing in reserves to fight in court.
Similarly, mediation is not well suited to high conflict cases, especially mediation where your attorney is not also present. Abusers have had great success manipulating their victims previously and it’s hard for them to give up that behavior when it’s been so rewarding for them in the past.
Abusers will also often suggest that they are close to an agreement or that they think that one can be achieved with a little effort, which makes it feel confusing to the non-high conflict spouse. Isn’t settlement what we want? To move on? But, no, he’s probably just suggesting this as a possibility to either continue to waste your precious resources or to put you in a position where he thinks he can bend you to his will.
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Provisions with no deadlines or consequences
In a case that isn’t high conflict, we can put more general provisions in – like that the bank accounts will be closed and the proceeds split. I don’t like to do that, don’t misunderstand me; I love deadlines and consequences, no matter what. But in a case with a high conflict soon-to-be ex husband, you’re going to want to be incredibly specific – in every single provision.
There’s no room for, “We’ll figure it out as we go,” or “Nah, he’s good for it.” We categorically do not trust anything, so every provision – especially the ones related to division of the assets and support – has to be outlined in extreme detail. No loopholes. No gray area.
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Provisions we won’t get anyway
Some things a court won’t award anyway so, if you’re negotiating a divorce from a high conflict, abusive, or narcissistic ex-husband, you have to let go of some of the things that you can’t control.
College expenses for the kids? Forget about it. Private school tuition? No way. If he doesn’t have to, he will not. And there’s really no sense arguing or wasting your trust account funds to pretend like we’re making headway. Chances are, when push comes to shove, he won’t sign anyway.
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Provisions that give either of you control over the other parent’s parenting time
Especially when it comes to custody – and separation or divorce from an abusive, narcissistic, mentally ill, addicted, or otherwise high conflict ex-husband – most moms want there to be some room for them to check in on the kids when they’re in their care.
They want things like rights of first refusal or telephone/video chat contact with the kids.
The thing is, though, that if you take those things, your ex will have them, too. And while you would use a chance to video chat with the kids as an opportunity to check in on them, he will use it as espionage. He will be harassing you, trying to gather information about your living arrangements, or even creating wild theories based on the information that he gleans from these calls. These are likely to add fuel to the fire, rather than allow you to be the type of mother you want to be.
There’s no question that divorce and custody cases from high conflict former partners are a lot more complicated – and there’s a lot less wiggle room for friendliness. While you may be desperate to negotiate a result, your soon-to-be ex senses that, and may even seek to use it against you.
I’m not saying that you have to go all the way through with a divorce trial; in reality, most cases (yes, even the high conflict ones) will settle before trial. That doesn’t mean, though, that it’s not a much, much more complicated road to get to that point. It often is.
Don’t give up, but don’t give in, you know? The same patterns that got you to this point aren’t going to be the ones most helpful in carrying you forward.
For more information, or to schedule a consultation – because divorcing a high conflict person is no joke – give our office a call at 757-425-5200.