In all too many child custody cases, the allegations made by the other side are complete and total lies. Or, maybe they’re not COMPLETE lies, but they’re based on one tiny little nugget of information that is conflated to mean something that it doesn’t.
What’s the worst thing they could say about you? You definitely know the answer better than anyone, so that means that you are in the best possible position to address those specific issues so that, by the time you get to court, they’re non-issues.
So, what is it?
Is he saying that you’re on drugs or addicted to alcohol?
I hear it all the time. You have a glass of wine at a cookout – or, heaven forbid, get a little too tipsy one weekend on the boat, and suddenly you’re a lush who can’t stop drinking. There’s a kernel of truth there; maybe you did once or twice have one too many or you do have a glass of wine on Saturday evenings. Hey, I’m not here to judge.
But what can you do about it? Look into drug or alcohol testing options. Depending on what, exactly, he’s alleging will depend on what kind of test you might want to run. Do you want a blood test, a urine test, a fingernail test, or a hair follicle test? In a lot of cases, the right test can tell a lot – both in terms of whether you’re using at all, and even in terms of whether you’re a regular or occasional user.
Some things – like marijuana and alcohol – may be legal in certain quantities but, ultimately, in custody cases, it’s just not ideal to have THC showing up in your system. If you know that this is what he’ll allege, this is also your chance to get clean. Especially if – and I can’t stress this enough – he won’t have the foresight to do the same and you’ve smoked or consumed edibles or whatever together.
Use this time to clear your system of any drugs or alcohol. You may even choose to test proactively so that when/if he makes these allegations, you can produce the best possible drug or alcohol test to demonstrate that there’s no truth to these allegations.
And, if you do have a problem – like that the stress of your failing marriage is leading you to turn a little more often than you’d like to alcohol – you can take care of it now, before it becomes a bigger issue. It’s never a problem to be a better, healthier version of yourself BEFORE trial!
Is he saying that you’re suffering from mental illness?
Listen to be carefully: having a diagnosed mental illness is not a crime. Yes, this is true even if it’s a “bad” diagnosis, like borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. There’s no question that – as far as the court of public opinion is concerned – there’s still some stigma attached to these diagnoses. From a court-perspective, though, the more concerning mental illnesses are (1) the undiagnosed ones, and/or (2) the diagnosed but untreated ones.
If you’ve been seeing a regular doctor and are following a regular treatment plan, then that’s really good evidence to introduce. You can call your doctor as an expert witness, or even your therapist if you’re seeing one. Your ex – or your child’s father – will also have to introduce a dueling expert if he wants to refute this testimony.
In the meantime, you can double down on your treatment to make sure that you are mentally in the strongest position possible. This may include changing up your medications, adding therapy, or basic self-care, like getting enough sleep, eating healthy, and exercising regularly.
Is he saying that you’re a bad mom?
Chances are that he’ll say you’re a bad mom. They almost all do, after all. It’s his way of attacking you where you’re the most vulnerable because, obviously, motherhood is one of the most important things in your life. You wouldn’t be here, reading about this, if it wasn’t. So, he’ll say that. It’ll hurt.
But what will he say? Are you a bad mom because you don’t bathe the kids regularly and fix their hair?
Start logging how often you bathe them. Take pictures before school with their hair all fixed. Not every day; your kids would hate that! But occasionally, especially on special occasions, like for holidays or when it feels natural to catch a cute snap. If you have 5-10 pictures of them looking well-kept while in your care, that will help.
Does he say that you don’t cook or clean? Well, that’s easy, too. Even if you haven’t done much cooking, now’s a good time to start. You don’t have to become a Michelin starred chef to try a few new things – waffles for breakfast, a special grilled cheese for lunch, even grocery store rotisserie chicken for dinner – and make sure all of those things are in the refrigerator when the Guardian ad litem conducts her home visit.
Make your kids their favorite things a couple of times. Chances are, you have a specialty. My dad, for example, can’t cook at all, but he did make a killer breakfast. If you asked me what my dad did well, I’d have an answer for you – he always makes Sunday morning breakfast. That doesn’t mean you can’t still order DoorDash, but when the kids are asked what you make that they love, they’ll still have an answer. And when the GAL comes calling, you’ll have fresh food on hand that shows that you pay attention to their nutrition. You don’t have to cook it all, or cook from scratch, or have graduated from a culinary institute to do a good job feeding kids a balanced diet.
Does he say that the kids get too much screen time with you?
Another common complaint! The might seem like a he said/she said situation, but I think there are still things you can do.
What if you start one of those 1,000 hours outside challenges? You can then start documenting your outside hours – and even what you did during them. It’s not just for evidence – it’s a challenge!
Got little kids? See if your library has a 1,000 books before kindergarten program. Enter in that and keep track of all the titles you’ve read.
Got an older kid? Have them join a club, play a sport, or get involved in an out of school activity. So what if they watch a little bit of Bluey on a rainy Sunday afternoon? They spent all Saturday at the ball field, which generated 4.5 hours towards your 1,000 hours, and then you came home, made dinner, and read two new books for your challenge! You can document all of that – and you may even have fun doing it.
Those are just a few suggestions; there are tons of fun things you can do that will also help you generate evidence to show how you spend your time with the kids. Keep in mind, too, that you can just testify to this and also that the Guardian ad litem will likely be asking the kids, too.
Screen time isn’t the enemy. Chances are, you’re already doing a ton of fun stuff anyway, so you’ll have plenty to talk about.
Some of this is, of course, just him grasping at straws and trying to make you look like a bad mom. There may or may not be kernels of truth; it may be entirely based on lies. In any case, the best time to get ahead of whatever he’ll say is now. No matter what the issue, you can start to make changes now to address what he’ll say so that you’re in the best position when it comes time to go to trial.
For more information, to register to attend a seminar, or to request a copy of our divorce or custody books, visit our website at hoflaw.com or give us a call at 757-425-5200.