Men delay the inevitable – divorce – for a million different reasons, but one of the most classic reasons is the most obvious one. As long as he’s delaying, he’s not paying. It’s kind of kin to the old adage “it’s cheaper to keep her,” which I admit – I loathe.
He’s not paying in a million different ways. He’s not literally paying in terms of monthly obligations like child support and spousal support. He’s not paying in terms of selling real estate (or refinancing or whatever else). He’s not paying in terms of dividing up his retirement accounts. And he’s also not paying his divorce lawyer, probably, or at least he’s only paying super minimally, if he’s uncommunicative or largely non participatory.
Maybe hired a slacker lawyer, too, and between the two of them they’re really dazzling at accomplishing nothing at all of note, ever.
Or maybe I’m just jaded because of a specific case I’m currently dealing with but, in any case, here we are. Is he delaying to avoid paying?
It’s entirely possible. In general, men are more reluctant to divorce than women. They file less often and, more often than not, express more regret, but mostly the “too little, too late” variety. Is there a financial component to this regret? Almost certainly. So, what can you do?
In Virginia, there are only two ways to get a divorce: (1) either you negotiate an agreement, or (2) you file for divorce with the court (assuming that you have grounds).
Negotiation is always tough because there are no teeth there, really. You can’t force him to negotiate with you and, if he ignores you, you’ll be left with no other alternative but to file something to keep it moving.
Worse still, he could participate just enough to keep you hopeful that a negotiated result will be possible, wasting time and (your) precious, finite resources.
So, you file. Or you consider filing.
In Virginia, to file for divorce, you have to have grounds. Those can be either fault based grounds or no fault grounds, but, either way, you’ll have to have them. (Analyzing your grounds for divorce is a bit beyond the scope of this article, but if you click on the hyperlinks above you can learn more about the options available to you.)
Filing for divorce is always a sort of expensive proposition. You have to weigh this (and also the likelihood that you’ll get the outcome that you hope for once you get to court) against other considerations. Should you just wait it out? Or should you file something to move it along? How much will you spend? What’s the risk versus the reward? This is an analysis that’s different in each case but, in the one that I am currently working on, the reality is that the amount of assets (very few) don’t really support – at least for the time being – my client feeling like it’s justifiable to spend more to end the marriage sooner rather than later. Not only that, but the likelihood that she’ll get what she wants (which is something kind of specific and unusual) is almost nonexistent unless we negotiate it, so between the two things – the added expense and the unlikelihood of the result she wants being the result she would get in court – she’s deciding, for now, to wait.
At some point, would the balance shift in favor of getting things done? Maybe. But that’s a question only she can answer.
Are there alternatives? It seems awfully unfair that he can go on for so long and just … not pay.
Especially for support, there ARE some other options, aside from just filing for divorce with the circuit court.
You can file for child custody, visitation, child support, and spousal support at the juvenile court – and just have those specific issues heard.
The catch?
If you file for, say, child support, he can countersue for child custody and visitation. Likewise, he could also just file for divorce in the circuit court, which would divest the juvenile court of jurisdiction and move your case up from juvenile court to circuit court.
It’s kind of complex and, in some ways, a big game of chicken, but it’s always worth talking to an attorney about your options to get especially support in place, even while the rest is still pending.
Sometimes, we can’t force him to respond on our specific schedule, but that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s nothing we can do. You may decide that you don’t like the options available or you prefer not to pursue them, but, hey, at least you’re doing so with the advantage of all possible information.
We can never exactly predict what your soon-to-be ex husband will do, but that’s no reason to not consider alternatives.
For more information or to register to attend an upcoming seminar, give our office a call at 757-425-5200.