In general, I feel that the question, “Should I stay or should I go?” is one that is best answered by the specific woman who is questioning whether she should end her marriage. I don’t usually like to weigh in. I may provide some general guidelines or try to give her some food for thought, but I don’t tell her – usually – that her marriage should or should not be saved.
That’s her choice.
But then there’s domestic violence.
And then, in an entire other category, is strangulation.
Look, I don’t need to tell you. Domestic violence is dangerous. But, no, that doesn’t mean *just* physical violence. Emotional and sexual violence is just as dangerous and can have as long-lasting of an impact on your body and your brain as physical violence.
But strangulation.
Strangulation is different. Strangulation is often punished more severely than other forms of domestic violence because it is a major predictor of future homicide. You may be able to get a prosecutor to drop a general charge of assault or battery, but, when you move into strangulation territory, it’s a different type of case.
Did you know that a woman who has been previously strangled by her partner is more than 750% more likely to be murdered by that same partner?
Strangulation is also one of the 5 S’s – separation, suicidality, sexual violence, and stalking are also included – that predicts major violence in a relationship.
Why am I telling you this? Not to scare you.
Never to scare you.
To help you. To encourage you, if you don’t have the words to express what you’re going through to another person in your life, to listen to your intuition and do what it takes to get yourself (and any children you may have) to somewhere safer.
If he’s strangling you, there’s no room for second chances. You should go – and go while you still can. This is serious stuff.
So, what do you do first?
I think it’s always a good idea to gather divorce-related information so that you can begin to make big decisions about your marriage and divorce. It will help you gather your thoughts and start to formulate questions so that, if you meet with a divorce lawyer, you’ll be prepared as possible to ask the questions that are keeping you awake at night.
I recommend one of our four free books and/or attending a monthly divorce seminar. The book is great because you’ll get a digital download immediately. You can ask for a hard copy, too, but make sure to provide a spouse-safe address. You can always send to a friend, a family member, or even your work address – and rest assured that no one will know what’s inside. We ship in plain, unmarked manilla or white envelopes that no one (not even your mailman) will know what’s inside. If you prefer, though, you can just stick with the digital download.
The seminar is nice because it gives you the opportunity to ask questions to a live (meaning that they’re there in person answering questions; not as opposed to a dead attorney) family lawyer. If something doesn’t make sense to you or you need clarification, ask! It’s low cost, especially compared to the cost of a consultation.
Then, meet with an attorney, if you’re ready!
You can schedule an appointment to begin to figure out your next steps, whether with us or someone else. Many people do, of course, decide to represent themselves, but that’s particularly complicated in cases where DV is involved. That’s not to say that you can’t do it, but … it’s hard. (And, whether you decide to represent yourself or hire someone, you’re still well served by having read the book and attended the seminar!)
It’s hard to leave an abusive relationship in a million different ways. But if strangulation is involved … you really should leave.
For more information, to request a copy of our book for Virginia women, or to schedule a consultation, give us a call at 757-425-5200 or visit our website at hoflaw.com.