Navigating coparenting can seem impossible, especially if your ex-partner is particularly difficult. It’s hard not to second guess yourself and to wonder whether, in this or that situation, you have a leg to stand on.
You may not have a sense, either, of what a court would do and, in any case, is may not be worth going to court to determine the answer to one question. Even if the situation, as it currently exists, is driving you insane.
I try to answer a lot of those questions here because, for the most part, they’re not niche. It’s pretty rare that I come across an issue that I haven’t before; these questions are often similar in nature and, therefore, easy to answer.
For some questions, too, there are shades of gray – but not always. This question is one of those where, in my personal legal opinion, there isn’t a lot of gray. Let’s jump in.
Question: I coparent with my children’s father, and my kids – 9, 11, and 15 – have cell phones that I provide and pay for. I’m worried about my child’s father’s use of corporal punishment, so I like to be able to get in touch with the kids when they’re in his care. Dad has taken the phones, though, and refuses to allow my 9 year old access to it. He says that he’s too young for a phone but, also, he caught him sending me a text about the situation in his home and he didn’t like it. What can I do?
Cell phone use is a constant discussion and, in general, it’s best when coparents discuss and agree on (1) when to allow kids to have phones, and (2) what that usage will look like. That’s not possible for all coparents, of course, and it sounds like this situation is one of those.
If you can’t agree and set reasonable usage limits, then – at least with respect to this issue – you are parallel parenting. This means that you each make up your own rules for the kids while they’re in your care, but those rules do not cross over to the other parent’s home or other parent’s parenting time.
In short, you can buy a phone. You can allow its usage. But your child’s father can also take the phones and/or refuse to allow them access to those phones during his parenting time. I don’t think a judge is likely to interfere with his decision making authority on that point. I also think it would look great for you to openly admit that the reason that you want the child to have it is, essentially, to spy on what’s happening in your coparent’s home. (Similarly, I don’t think the judge would like if he said he was taking it because the child reported corporal punishment had taken place – but I think he will likely be too smart, or his attorney will be too smart, to let him say that in court when push comes to shove.)
I don’t think you have a leg to stand on here. I don’t think it’s worth continuing to fight over. If I were you, I probably wouldn’t even send the phone because you run the risk of him refusing to turn it back over to you. Sure, it’s your property and you’re entitled to get it back, but that doesn’t mean that he won’t make it difficult for you. And difficulty equals stress – maybe even money, if you end up pursuing this with an attorney.
It’s frustrating, there’s no question. And your concern over corporal punishment is legitimate! But if corporal punishment is taking place and your children are reporting it back to you when they come back from dad’s house, it is still actionable. You can still file a petition to modify custody and visitation if there has been a material change in circumstances, and you can cite the specific information that you have. A cell phone is not likely to give you better evidence or quicker, more actionable information.
For more information, request a copy of our custody book for Virginia moms, or visit our website at hoflaw.com.